


Sanders Asides

by mind_is_a_prison



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abandonment, Anxiety, Blood and Violence, Dadceit, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Patton and Deceit are Best Dads, Self-Harm, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Rivalry, Sickfic, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, adding more tags as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:20:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 41,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24290449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mind_is_a_prison/pseuds/mind_is_a_prison
Summary: A collection of short stories and one-shots based around Sanders Sides. This includes a variety of ships, relationships, AUs, and headcanons. Warnings will be placed above each chapter to protect the reader. Also, a little heads up, there's a lot of Remus angst. Like... a lot of Remus angst. A majority of the first ten to twenty stories are probably going to contain Remus angst in some capacity. Sorry if that's not your thing, but according to my brain, there isn't nearly enough Remus angst in this fandom, and I'm apparently trying to make up for it subconsciously, so I hope you enjoy. All ships (except for RemRom) are acceptable. Read the first chapter to find out how to request one-shots. Thanks for reading!
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 59
Kudos: 83





	1. Welcome to My Twisted Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! If you're here from my full length Sanders Sides novel, _We Don't Need the Light_ , welcome! If you're not, welcome! If you're just bored and stumbled on this collection by mistake, welcome! I hope you all enjoy this collection of short stories and one-shots while I muster up the willpower to write a couple more full length novels and finish up the one I'm already writing. It's incredibly hard to balance writing and school, so please be patient with me while I try and add on to this collection as well as my novel, and complete the fifty or so school assignments my teachers felt generous enough to bestow upon me. As soon as summer comes, this will be updated far more often, but I wanted to go ahead and get a head start on setting up this collection so people who wanted to could enjoy it during quarantine.
> 
> **PLEASE READ ALL OF CHAPTER ONE IF YOU INTEND ON MAKING A REQUEST FOR A ONE-SHOT. IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW THE PROCEDURE I OUTLINED IN THAT CHAPTER, I MAY NOT FULFIL YOUR REQUEST. THANK YOU.**

Alright everyone, here we are. My one-shot collection. This is really more of a self-indulgent thing, as I have so many story ideas that I'd like to do, but they aren't really long enough to warrant a full-length novel, so this collection was born. I'm pretty lenient with most things, as many of my previous readers are liable to know, but this is a little different than writing a full-length novel. So, let's set up some ground rules.

 **Rule One:** If you want to request a one-shot, you will do so by commenting on _this_ chapter. I will not be searching all over this collection's comment section to find requests. If you have a request, post your comment on chapter one, that's _this_ chapter, and I will write one-shots that fit your requests. The comment section for other chapters is meant strictly for thoughts and feelings on that specific one-shot, so please feel free to leave comments related to the story or characters there and I will be sure to reply.

 **Rule Two:** No complaining about ships. I will be writing multiple one-shots on every ship at one point of another. It will happen. So if I write a ship that you do not ship, there is no point in leaving comments like "I don't ship this, but it's really cute". If you think it's cute, just tell me it's cute. I don't need to know if you ship it or not. I may not even ship it, but that doesn't stop me from writing it, and it doesn't mean I have to tell you that I don't ship it. If someone wants to know what you ship, they will ask you. If you want to know what I ship, you can ask me. But please, keep comments about ships limited. There is so much more to talk about in a story than whether or not you like a certain pairing.

 **Rule Three:** I reserve the right as the author to alter a request to fit a story idea that I come up with. Someone might request a story with Remus, Logan, and Roman in it with the ship being Logince, but I might come up with a plot idea where Intrulogical fits better and I might decide to do that instead (see first one-shot as example). I might change the amount of characters present if a person requests five of the sides but the plot I have in mind fits better with four. I might decide not to put the story in a human AU because the idea fits better if the sides are actual sides. I appreciate everyone whose requests are very specific and detailed, but as the author, I need to have the creative liberty to make a story how I envision it. That does not mean that I think your request was stupid or that I don't care what you want to read, I am simply following whatever inspiration comes my way. Please keep in mind that I do not _have_ to do your requests. I do them because I want you to share your ideas and opinions and sometimes I am in need of inspiration. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, and please do not attack me if I didn't do your idea justice.

 **Rule Four:** I reserve the right to complete requests in whatever order I deem appropriate, at any time I feel like. I understand that it can feel pretty awful when you made a request a month ago and I still haven't written it, and someone who commented yesterday already has their request fulfilled. I understand that it is probably irritating. However, I cannot control the ideas that come into my head. Sometimes certain requests are easy for me to think of a plotline for, and others might be more difficult. Please, just be patient. I will get to your request in due time, you just need to be content waiting. I understand that it might be annoying and upsetting, but you're all here to enjoy one-shots, right? Does it really matter if it's your one-shot idea or someone else's, as long as you have something to read? Can't we all just enjoy whatever crazy, angsty ideas come into my head? I'd like to think so, so please, just be patient and let me work at my own pace.

 **Rule Five:** Be kind and respectful, not only to me, but to your fellow readers. We're all just here to enjoy some (hopefully) well-written pieces of fiction. There's no need to start fights or drama. Respect other people's thoughts and opinions, and we should be alright. And I am perfectly okay with you having thought-provoking discussions in the comment section. Feel free to discuss the one-shots with each other, relationships between characters, themes and ideas, etc. I love to see such wholesome interactions and I think that if we all just make an effort to connect more with each other during this trying time, we'll all be okay.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. Now, onto the part everyone wants to know about.

**HOW TO REQUEST ONE-SHOTS**

So, there are multiple ways to request one-shots for this collection. Please note that you are allowed to have a combination of several options in your requests, as will be shown in the "examples" section. Please see it for more information.

 **Option One: Ships.** It is perfectly acceptable to request ships in this collection. This is usually the most common way people request one-shots. I will state that **I reserve the right to choose whether it is a platonic ship, familial ship, or romantic ship**. For me personally, I don't really see Moxiety as a romantic ship. They just seem too much like a father-son duo for me to picture their relationship as romantic. Does this mean that I will never right a romantic Moxiety piece? No. I will most certainly write a romantic Moxiety piece in the future. However, I will do this on my own terms, so if you request Moxiety, you may get a platonic relationship. It depends on how I am feeling at the time. The same goes for all other ships. I might make their relationship platonic, I might make it romantic. That is completely up to me and my mood at the time. **DO NOT REQUEST REMROM**. Usually this is not a problem, but I feel it necessary to state that I will never write romantic RemRom. Ever. If you want me to write a piece on their relationship as siblings, please put it as "Creativitwins" or "Familial RemRom". You can specify your request as "Familial Logicality" or "Platonic Moceit" if you wish, of you can simply type in the ship and see what I decide to do with it. It is your choice. If you really want the ship to be romantic, just put romantic in front of the ship, such as "Romantic Analogical". I will do what I can with the requests I am given. However, **I will not write polyamorous ships** , so please do not request them. I am simply not comfortable with writing them, and if you try to request a poly ship, I will likely make it platonic or familial just so I am comfortable and all my readers are comfortable.

 **Option Two: Characters.** This is my preferred way of requesting one-shots, but you do not have to do this if you do not want to. By requesting specific characters instead of ships, you give me much more creative freedom when determining their relationship. If you want to see Roman, Remus, and Deceit all interacting, you can request it. If you want to see Virgil, Logan, and Roman in a room together, go ahead and request it. **The list can be as short or as long as you'd like**. **You can request Remy, Emile, and Thomas** if you would like, but they are not going to be heavily featured in this collection. **You can also request OCs** from my Sanders Sides novel, **or request a certain side you would like to see my take on** , such as "Wrath" or "Lust". This also applies for ships, but it is far easier to do this while listing characters. By listing characters, you allow me as the author to choose whether or not there will be ships and how the relationships are structured, and this is preferable for me, but you do not have to request one-shots this way if you prefer using the shipping method.

 **Option Three: Angst or Fluff.** Usually people either pick the ships option or characters option and not both. This is best for simplicity's sake for me. Then, they usually follow by stating whether they want fluff or angst. This is helpful, because it allows me to hone in on what type of story you are looking for. Most of my stories, if you haven't already noticed, are angsty, so having people request fluff to balance it out would be helpful. However, if you're like me and love angst, feel free to request it as well. This is all up to personal preference, but again, I have the ability to decide to change a request from fluff to angst or vice versa depending on what story idea I come up with. **You can request both, or even request "hurt with comfort" or "hurt no comfort" if you prefer.** It is completely up to you and what you would like from the story.

 **Option Four: AUs.** The problem with AUs is that I am not up-to-date on most pop culture items. I don't really watch TV much and I do not watch an awful lot of movies either. **There is a limit to what I can do with AUs as a result**. However, there are some that are easy for me to do, such as "Human AU", the most obvious one. You could also request a very broad AU, such as "Fantasy" or "Horror" and I will see what I can do with it. You can request very popular movies such as "Harry Potter AU" or "Pirates of the Caribbean AU" and I would be able to do those as well. If I haven't seen the movie, I will let you know so you can change the AU to a different one if you really want an AU. **You can also explain what sort of AU you would like if there isn't a specific term for it** , such as saying "I would like an AU that has all the sides as horror movie monsters except for Thomas, and he ends up discovering them and taking them in as him family" or something similar. By explaining AUs, you ensure that I know exactly what you want, and hopefully you will be more satisfied as a result.

 **Option Five: Specific Plot Ideas.** If you have a very specific plot idea in mind that you would like to see written, you can request the idea and I will write it. I may have to change a few things to fit my writing style and audience, but I am pretty lenient on the violence level and deaths. **Please do not request any NSFW content without leaving a trigger warning above the request.** Some readers might be sensitive to certain words or phrases, so please be mindful. I want everyone to remain safe while reading this collection. I will also note that **I will not be writing any sex scenes or smut.** As an asexual, that content makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, and I am completely clueless on that stuff anyway, so please do not request it. I am willing to write gory, graphic content all you wish, but I cannot write anything involving sex. I am sorry, but you will have to go elsewhere for that sort of content. As for the requests you can make, if you want a plot where all the sides are fighting against a greater evil and they all die at the end, tell me. If you want a story where Logan ends up kidnapped and Thomas falls apart as the others try to find him, request it. If you want one of the sides to get really sick and have that side interact with the others on their deathbed to get some in-depth character interactions and make yourself cry, let me know. **You can specify which sides you want in the story idea and what happens to who if you would like, or you could let me decide.** It's all up to personal preference. Just let me know what you have in mind, and if I really like the idea or think that I could do some sort of series or novel based on the idea, I will let you know so you know where to find it.

**EXAMPLES OF REQUESTS**

**Example One:** Remus, Patton, Virgil. Fluff. Human AU.

 **Example Two:** Loceit. Hurt no comfort. World where half-animal creatures are being hunted to extinction and all who aren't considered "pure blood" humans are at risk.

 **Example Three:** Platonic Virgil X Remy. Familial Moxiety. Fluff and Angst.

Alright, I said my piece. Those are the rules and process behind requesting one-shots. I hope you enjoy the stories I've come up with. They're probably going to be pretty angsty, just as a heads up, and Remus is going to get the brunt of it (along with Deceit) because I love the dark bois so much and therefore I make them suffer. I'm sorry ahead of time. Also, I'm sorry if I seemed at all aggressive or mean in this chapter. I just wanted to get my point across quickly and effectively. I hope there's no hard feelings. I love you all! Enjoy this mess I've made. <3


	2. Circuits and Wires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan Angst (with a touch of Remus Angst). Slight hint of Intrulogical. Inspired by the song "iRobot" by Jon Bellion (listen to it while reading if you'd like). Hurt and Comfort.
> 
>  **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
>  Mentions of abuse (verbal, emotional, and physical), depression, and self-esteem issues. Please stay safe if any of these topics are sensitive to you.

“Bye, Double D!” I called cheerfully, waving at my reptilian friend as he promptly flipped me the bird, not even glancing back once in spite of my energetic attempts to get his attention. “Have fun dealing with the others!”

“Stay out of trouble, Remus,” he replied, glaring at me out of the corner of his eye.

In response, I raised my middle finger in salute, watching Deceit disappear around the corner. Sighing, I felt my shoulders slump and the smile fall from my face as I began the slow journey back to my room. Taking a large bite of my deodorant, I hummed to myself as I strolled along the Darkside, trying to keep up the lively, upbeat demeanor everyone expected of me. Everyone thought that I was a relentless ball of energy, invincible to harsh words and scorn, a hyperactive menace who never stopped causing chaos, and I had done a pretty good job of giving them exactly what they expected, but it was tiring work. The truth was, I didn’t feel very energetic, or wild, or violent. I felt… tired. Just tired.

_ Oh, what’s the use anyway? It’s not like there’s anyone out here to care,  _ I thought to myself, and quickly dropped the facade. The skip in my step fell away to a trudge, and I felt the heavy weight of sorrow cover my shoulders like a cloak. I sighed.  _ Why do I even try anymore? I doubt anyone would notice or care if I wasn’t acting like myself. They’d probably just think I was up to something, if they even realized it at all. Why do I keep pretending that everything’s fine? It’s not fine. I’m not fine. But then again, who’d even give a flying fuck anyway. _

Glancing at the stick of deodorant, I found that I wasn’t that hungry anymore and tossed it aside before sticking my hands in my pockets and slouching over even more.  _ God, I’m so tired of this. I wish things would just get better. It’s been this way for so long. I wonder… if Roman feels this way, too. Lost. Isolated. Broken. Useless. Ha. As if he would ever feel that way. He’s the perfect, beloved, honorable Prince Roman. He never had to fight to be accepted and wanted by anyone else. He was never tossed out to the wayside and treated like an abomination for being himself. _

Sighing again, I kicked at a rock that had been laying in my path, watching it spin off in the distance before it hit something and skidded to a halt. My eyes followed the path of the rock and I blinked in surprise when I realized that sitting in the middle of the hallway was Logan Sanders, Thomas’s Logic.  _ What… what the hell? Why is  _ he _ here? _

Logan was leaning against the wall, his hands resting idly in his lap, his eyes staring forward with a completely blank expression, as if someone had flipped off the switch to his emotions and then just left him there. More concerning, I could see dried tears still present on his face, which meant one of two things. Either someone had hurt Logan and he had shut down because of it, or… well, maybe it just meant one thing, but the fact remained that something had clearly happened, and I didn’t have a clue as to what.  _ Well, shit. Guess the robot does have emotions after all. I… I’m not really sure what to do, to be honest. Do I just leave him there, or do I try to talk to him? Is it wrong if I try to help him? What would Dee think? Would he be mad if I assisted a lightside? Fuck. Guess I’ll give it a go and see what happens. _

“Well, this is unexpected,” I drawled slowly, walking up to Logan casually until I was casting a shadow over his features and his eyes flickered up to meet mine. “Logan ‘Logic’ Sanders. Fancy meeting you here.” I grinned, although I found that I couldn’t muster much gusto, and I was certain that he could see right through me. “Did ya finally get sick of those sickeningly sweet ass lights and decide to come over to the fun side of the mindscape? Or is there some sort of zombie apocalypse going on that I was unaware of and this is your last place of shelter left? Oh, or are you here to finally destroy the villainous darksides and rule over the mind palace with an iron fist?”

“Remus,” Logan greeted softly, his eyes not so much gazing into mine as staring through them. “I had figured you would come here eventually.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Were you  _ looking _ for me?” I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought. “I guess you didn’t get the memo, Specs, but most people usually run  _ away _ from me, not  _ towards _ me.”

Logan flinched slightly at that, and I couldn’t help but wonder what I had said or done wrong this time. “I… apologize for intruding, but… I had to get away from it all for a while. Spend some time alone with my thoughts. Just ignore me for the time being. I’ll be gone presently.”

_ Well, what now? He’s clearly upset about something, and instead of addressing it, he’s bottling his emotions and hoping they go away. Sounds pretty familiar, huh. Shit. Guess I’m doing this. Hope I don’t regret it. _

“Do you want to come in?” I asked, gesturing to my door, which happened to be a couple yards away.

He blinked at me. “Come… in?”

I shrugged. “I mean, if you’d rather sit on the floor in the middle of the hallway and risk Deceit finding you, that’s fine. Just thought I’d make the offer.”

“I… thank you, Remus. I would greatly appreciate that.”

I held out a hand, and after a moment of Logan gazing up at me with the same empty, hollow expression on his face, he took it. Pulling him to his feet, I ushered him into my room quickly, locking the door behind me as I entered. Logan explored the room with curious eyes as I scurried around, trying to clean up a little bit so there wasn’t a safety hazard covering every flat surface and footpath.

“Sorry about the mess. I wasn’t exactly expecting to have any guests tonight.”

“It doesn’t bother me in the slightest.”

Glancing up at him in surprise, I furrowed my brow. “Really? I thought you liked order and organization above all else. Don’t you pride yourself on your skills as a planner of tasks and duties?”

“That is correct. However, there are more important things than neatness and detailed notes, and sometimes it is rather nice to spend time in a different environment, even if it is the complete opposite of what I am used to,” Logan replied before fixing me with a slightly curious gaze. “You seem to know quite a bit about me, Remus.”

I turned and focused my attention on stuffing a bunch of blood-stained weapons in my closet to hide my burning cheeks, swallowing hard to keep my voice from wavering. “Yeah, well when you’re brother is dating the nerdiest side around, you tend to hear a thing or two about him, and the information tends to collect after a while, even if you try to tune him out most of the time.”

A slight whimper escaped Logan’s lips and I whirled around to see he had his arms wrapped around his stomach. “I… I would rather we a-avoid the subject, if it’s a-all the same with you,” he whispered, shivering slightly.

_ Alright, enough fucking around. Time to get to the bottom of this once and for all. _

Walking over to Logan, I grabbed him by the shoulders and led him over to my bed, which I cleared off with the wave of a hand, and I sat him down. Reaching over, I gently draped a blanket over his shoulders and placed a cup of hot chocolate in his hands. He didn’t protest at all, and that told me all I needed to know.  _ Something really bad must have happened. Logan hates being fussed over and bossed around. _

Sitting down on a few feet away and leaning against the headboard, I crossed my arms and watched as Logan stared off at the wall, the life completely absent from his eyes. It was as if someone had removed all that had made him human and left only an empty husk behind. It made me feel sick because I knew that it took a heck of a lot to bring Logan down, and for him to get to this level, he must’ve been through some next level shit.

“Alright, teach. Time to talk.”

He didn’t even glance my way. “About what?”

“How about we start with what the heck happened to you, and then we’ll move on to which unfortunate asshole just breathed his last breath,” I offered, a glint in my eye.

“Nothing happened.”

“Bullshit.”

“It was just another day.”

“Do you seriously think I believe any of that shit? I know something’s going on.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Logan replied coolly.

“How stupid do you take me for?”

“I’m fine, Remus.”

“I hate to break it to you, but you look like shit and you’re acting like a robot, so either you’re going to tell me what the hell happened and who the hell’s body I’m gonna be burying in the Imagination before I decide to hell with it all and go on a mass killing spree instead. And believe me, there will be blood and gore.”

“I’m serious, Remus. Just drop it. I’m fine.”

“Like hell you are. Look, I know something happened. Just tell me what’s going on,” I begged.

“I said to drop it,” Logan growled, his eyes beginning to get a little hazed and feverish.

“And  _ I _ said to tell me what’s going on.”

“That’s enough Remus!”

“No! You can’t just waltz in here looking like you just watched someone die right before your eyes, get me all concerned and worked up over it, and then hide it and pretend nothing ever happened. I deserve to know-”

“Why the hell do you even care, Remus?!” Logan demanded, getting to his feet and glaring down at me as I flinched back. “Why should I tell you anything? Why would I? After everything you’ve done, and all the times you’ve hurt me and the ones I love, you expect me to just open up to you? That settles it. You really are a brother of Roman’s. You’re always living in a fucking fantasy world! Wake up already! I’d never trust you! You’re just a-” he hesitated, the haziness clearing from his eyes and he came to his senses. He sank back down on the bed, his fingers tangled into knots. “Remus… I’m so sorry. I-”

“Go on.” My eyes were glazed over in pain as I stood, beginning to pace around the room as a million thoughts and feelings swirled around inside. It was all too much.  _ Too much noise. To many emotions. Too many thoughts. Too much, too much, too much. _ “Tell me like it is, Logan. Don’t hesitate now. What were you going to say? I’m just a darkside? Was that it? Or was it something worse?” My hands came up to clutch at my hair, my fingers tangling painfully in the curly locks as my pacing became quickly, my breathing more frantic.  _ Bad. This is bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. I’m bad. I’m a bad person. I’m bad. This is so bad. _ “A monster? A trainwreck? A mistake? A burden? A disappointment? A lost cause? I’m all of those things, Logan. Been called them a hundred times. I know that. Everyone knows that.” I felt hot tears spilling down my cheeks, saw Logan stand quickly and reach out to me from the corner of my eye, as if to comfort me.  _ Nononononononononono! Focus! Get it together, Ree! _ I whirled around, pointing a finger in his face. “But this isn’t about me and my issues! This is about you! I don’t care how many sucky excuses you make or how many times you try to dodge and deflect. I won’t give up until you tell me what happened. I know I’m a darkside. I know that I barely qualify as human. I know you don’t have a single reason to trust me. But I want to help. Even though I’m a monster, I don’t want you or anyone else to be hurting. It kills me inside to think that you’ve been through something and you don’t have anyone to talk to and help you through it. It hurts to think that you would’ve tried to hide this and pretend you’re okay if I hadn’t found you. I know you hate me, and that’s fine. That’s valid. But please, don’t do this for me. Do this for yourself. You need someone to listen to you and help. I can be that person, if you just let me.”

“O-okay, Remus,” Logan said shakily. “I… I’ll tell you… e-everything. Just… promise me you w-won’t kill anyone after I s-say it.”

_ Fuck. There go my plans for the evening. _

“You drive a hard bargain, but I accept,” I replied, swiping away the last of my tears as I sat down next to Logan on the bed, turning to face him as he gazed at his hands, which were trembling in his lap.

Reaching over, I took his hands in my own and he turned slightly to look me in the eye. “Hey,” I said softly. “It’s okay. Take your time. I’m right here. Just… tell me what happened the best you can. It’s okay. I’m here.”

He blinked at me. “Why a-are you being so n-nice to me? I-I don’t understand.”

I snorted. “What? Do I not fit the little box your lightside friends tried to put me in? My mistake.”

“N-no! Nothing like t-that. I just… I’ve always h-heard from the others about how c-crazy you are, and how d-dangerous you can be, and I just…” he trailed off, his face unsure.

“And your expectations aren’t meeting reality?” I finished helpfully. “I hate to tell you this, Specs, but I live to divert people’s expectations. At this point, you shouldn’t bother trying to figure me out. I can’t even figure me out.”

“R-right. Well…”

“Just start at the beginning, Lo. It’s gonna be alright. I’m right here,” I squeezed his hand reassuringly, and I was surprised when I felt him squeeze back.

“R-Roman and I have been h-having difficulties lately. I’m not sure e-exactly what is wrong, or w-who is the cause, but all we do is f-fight. And he… says all these things. I k-know he doesn’t mean harm, b-but it… it hurts quite a bit.”

“What sorts of things?” my voice was low, controlled, almost forcibly so.

“He w-would often bring up how p-pitiful I am at dealing with e-emotions and how he was d-doing me a favor by d-dating me. As well as h-how lucky I was that I hh-had found someone who listened to me, b-because none of the others w-would listen to me like he did. And he liked t-to bring up how… robotic I a-am as an excuse for h-his poor treatment of me. There w-were other examples as well, but…” he ducked his head, wrapping an arm around his stomach tightly, as if to prevent himself from falling apart.

“Let me see if I got this straight, which, I will note, is extremely difficult for me,” I began, my voice incredibly calm. Honestly, I was pretty proud of myself for keeping it together. Then my voice got increasingly sharper. “Roman attacks all your insecurities to make himself feel better, makes you feel like him dating you is charity and that you owe him something for loving you, repeatedly makes harsh or rude comments that many would view to be abusive, verbally and emotionally abuses you on a daily basis, and then makes you feel like all of this is your fault anyway. Is that correct?”

He nodded quietly, afraid to look me in the eye. “Y-yes.”

“Is there anything else I’m missing here?”

“W-well…” Logan shivered slightly, “this is all r-relatively normal. It wouldn’t c-cause me to break down l-like this. I… am afraid s-something else happened t-today.”

“Care to inform me of this unexpected event?” my voice was cold, almost bitterly so, and I could see him hesitate.

“I don’t…”

“Logan,” I snapped, “you need to open up. If you keep this bottled inside you’re only going to hurt yourself worse. I promised I wouldn't hurt Roman, and I already regret it. You might as well tell me what else he’s done while I’m still under oath.”

“He mm-may have… hit me.”

I shot up to my feet like a bullet, pacing around the room while my mind raced.  _ How  _ dare _ he so much as lay a hand on him! How  _ dare _ he hurt him like that! What kind of sick bastard is he, to do something like that?! I would have expected Roman to do something like that to  _ me _ , in fact, he has done stuff like that to me, but to his  _ lover?! _ What the hell? What kind of sick, twisted bastard- _

“R-Remus?” I glanced over at Logan, who had tears in his eyes and was watching me with a concerned look in his eye. “A-are you okay?”

I barked a laugh. “You just ran away from your abusive boyfriend who literally hit you and treated you like dirt, and you’re asking me if  _ I’m _ okay?!”

“Well, he  _ is _ your b-brother.”

Doubling over, I laughed harder than I had in a long time. Logan looked extremely confused and concerned. “My brother? Like hell he is! The brother that I know would never treat you like that. The brother that I used to look up to and admire would never hurt those he loved the most. The brother I practically worshipped for years wouldn’t dare to say those things to you. The brother that I used to think was so much better than me would never hurt you. But he did. Roman may be related to me by blood, but make no mistake, he is not, nor will he ever be, my brother.”

I flopped back down on the bed next to Logan, who was silent. We sat there for a moment, Logan with his knees curled up to his chest, shivering slightly, and me sprawled across the bed with my arm flung over my eyes. For a while, neither of us said anything, simply letting the silence grow between us, only a little uncomfortable at times.

“R-Remus?”

“Yes?”

“D-did Roman ever h-hurt you? Did he ever… h-hit you or… abuse you in the past?”

I lifted my arm to peek at him out of the corner of my eye, a slightly amused smile teasing at my lips. “Why? You worried about me?”

“Yes.”

I blinked, sitting up. “W-what?”

“I realized that i-if Roman was perfectly w-willing to treat  _ me _ like that, and I was his boyfriend, then he m-must treat you so much w-worse, as you two have n-never gotten along. I am concerned a-about you. It’s clear that you h-have immense trauma of y-your own that you are t-trying to deal with.”

“Well shit,” I murmured.  _ Wait, did he say ‘ _ was’? _ Did Logan and Roman break up? No, that doesn’t matter. Focus on the task at hand dumbass. _ “I… uh, I’m not really sure what answer you’re looking for, Teach.”

“I’ll settle f-for the truth, if that’s o-okay with you.”

“The truth?” I glanced down at my hands, which were tied into knots in my lap. “The truth is I’ve been through a lot. Most of it probably goes unnoticed by a majority of people. I’ve struggled, and hurt, and pushed through. And I’m not better. I haven’t recovered from any of my past experiences. They still haunt me in my dreams. They still disrupt my daily life. They still keep me from feeling… well, much of anything, anymore. But I don’t matter. Certainly not now, but not ever either. You’re the one that I’m trying to help here, Specs, not myself. I didn’t invite you into my room so that you could play therapist. You need help, and I’m here to help you. That’s what’s important right now.”

“You matter too, Remus.”

I looked away, keeping silent. I could feel his gaze burning a hole into my skull as he spoke. Suddenly, I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, holding me tight, and the floodgates broke open. I hugged Logan back and we both turned into a sobbing, crying mess in a matter of seconds. Clinging together like we were each others’ life preservers and we were lost at sea, we didn’t say a word, instead just letting the tears flow and the pain release. Once several minutes had passed, I managed to speak through sobs, a slight smile on my face in spite how badly it hurt.

“W-we both have a pretty fucked up mind, huh?”

Logan laughed slightly. “Y-yes, I would say that is an a-accurate statement.”

“I’m s-sorry. This was supposed t-to be about you and h-helping you. I made a m-mess of everything.”

He shook his head. “D-don’t be. You c-can’t help others if you d-don’t help yourself first.”

I laughed. “You’re pretty smart, you k-know that? Far too smart to be stuck with a dumbass like Roman.”

“Good t-thing I am no longer stuck with s-said ‘dumbass’, then.”

“Y-yeah. Good thing.”

“And you, Remus, are far too k-kind and s-sweet and amazing to be related to a jerk like R-Roman.”

“T-thanks, Specs. I r-really needed to hear that.”

His arms wrapped around me tighter, and I quickly returned the hug, feeling the warmth and love and kindness in this embrace that I hadn’t felt in a long time. As we sat there, cuddled on my bed, comforting each other like no one had ever done for us before, I realized all at once that no matter what happened in the future, we would always have each other. Even if we just needed a shoulder to cry on, we had found one that would always be open in each other. Breathing in the scent of ink and paper, I snuggled in closer and felt a smile, a real, genuine smile, grace my lips for the first time in years. I no longer worried about pasting on a smile or forcing a laugh. That wasn’t necessary here. Logan didn’t need me to pretend to be happy all the time, and I would never ask that of him either. We found safety and comfort in each others’ arms that I had never known before, and I knew that whenever I was around Logan, I would always be home.

“Anytime, Remus. Anytime.”


	3. They Never Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus and Virgil Angst. Past Anxceit. Inspired by the song "Old Friends" by Jasmine Thompson (listen to it while reading if you'd like). Hurt, no comfort.
> 
>  **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
>  Suicide, depression, anxiety, self hatred, guns, blood and gore (limited). Reader discretion is advised.

_Knock, knock knock._

I blinked blearily, wondering who the hell would be knocking on my door at 3 AM. Sliding off the couch, I groaned as I stood up and stretched, cursing myself for falling asleep on the couch in the first place, before stumbling towards the door. _This better be pretty damn important if it warrants someone at my door at the buttcrack of dawn, or else someone’s going to pay. Ugh. I bet it’s Remus. I told that dumbass to let me sleep in at least till eight before dragging me into his stupid bullshit. Damn him._

Throwing my door open, I found myself staring not at the chaotic, mustachioed menace that I had been expecting, but someone else entirely. Blinking slowly as my brain played catch up, I felt my exhaustion fade away in an instant and be replaced by hostility and barely concealed rage. _What the hell is_ he _doing here?!_

It was dark outside, the dim glow of the porchlight barely offering enough light to illuminate the figure standing at the door, but I recognized him all the same. There stood a young man in his mid twenties, dressed in a black sweater with the sleeves pulled down over his hands and a yellow scarf wrapped hastily around his neck, old scuffed black combat boots, and a slightly faded yellow beanie pulled over his head, a few curly locks of light brown hair peeking out from underneath. His skin was pale and sickly looking, the veins visible just beneath his skin, and his heterochromatic brown eyes had a slightly hazy film over them as he glanced up and met my eye. _Janus._

“Why are you here?” I demanded, my voice as cold as my icy expression.

He didn’t even flinch. “I’m sorry,” he said breathlessly. “I… I didn’t know where else to go.”

“That wasn’t the question. What are you doing here?”

“I need… I need help. Please.”

My eyes narrowed distrustfully as I tried to analyze his expression, certain there was something hidden behind the fear and panic in his eyes. “Help? Why the hell do you need help?”

“Hurts,” he whimpered slightly, his arms wrapped tightly around himself, as if he were seconds from shattering into a million pieces. “Need help. It… it feels so bad, Virge.”

“Why would you come to me?” I asked, my mind racing. _What is he playing at? What the hell is going on? Is… is he being serious, or… no. No, he must be faking it. Surely… surely he’s fine… right? I… I don’t know._

“Only person I could trust… my best friend.”

I blinked. “Excuse me?” He looked up at me weakly, his eyes silently begging me to just shut up and help him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let it go. Not this time. “‘Best friend’? Did you forget the part where you were a manipulative, controlling asshole who forced me to push all my friends and family away and made me feel like I was nothing without you? Did you miss the part where I told you I never wanted to see you again and cut myself off from you for good? Did you seriously just try and play the best friend card to get into my good graces? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“No, don’t you try that bullshit right now. You fully meant to do what you did. You shattered my self-confidence until I _needed_ you to make me feel good about myself. You broke my heart a million times just so you could seem like the hero by _fixing_ me. You’re the reason I have so many trust issues and why I refuse to let people into my life without having a good reason to. You _destroyed_ me, and now you’re crawling back to me, apologizing and pretending none of it ever happened? _Hell_ no.”

“Please, I just-”

“No. You don’t get to beg and plead with me. You can’t guilt-trip me into being your friend, or make me feel like I need you back in my life. I have a large group of friends who love me and treat me like I _deserve_ . They would _never_ hurt me or betray me on purpose, unlike you, and I am happy to have them. I don’t need you anymore. Now _leave_ , before I show you what real pain looks like.”

Janus bowed his head, looking defeated. I could see how badly he was trembling and for a minute, I felt guilty. He had been asking for help and I had pushed him away. But we had been here before, and he was just trying to guilt me into being his lover again. I knew him too well to not see through his guise. I wasn’t going to allow him to drag me back into our incredibly unhealthy relationship. I didn’t need his toxic version of companionship in my life anymore. So I stood my ground.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, glancing up at me with shining eyes. When I caught a glimpse of the tears streaking down his cheeks, it felt like a punch to the gut, and I staggered back slightly, caught off guard. _Am... am I wrong about him?_ “I’m sorry for everything. I don’t deserve your friendship or your trust. I know that. I… I hope you’re happy, Virge. That’s all I really want. I’m sorry for bothering you. Good bye.”

And then before I could formulate a response, he was gone. I took a step forward, my arm outstretched. “Wait.” But either he didn’t hear me or he didn’t care to respond, his slender frame disappearing into the mist as he ran away. For a moment, I just stood there, wondering if I had made a huge mistake, but if I had, there was nothing I could do now. He was already gone.

Heading back inside, I flopped back down on the couch and ran my fingers through my hair, feeling the locks tangle and snare in my hands. _I wonder what exactly he needed help with. He seemed fine physically, if a little shaky at times. It’s just so… strange. Why would he come to me of all people? Surely he has other friends that he trusts… right? God, why do I feel so guilty? He deserved everything I said to him and more. He was an absolutely awful person who hurt me and so many others, and I was right to not want him in my life. But… he seemed different. Like he… changed. Maybe… maybe I should have given him a chance. I heard that he’s been going to therapy and working through his issues. If he’s willing to make a change, shouldn’t I be willing to do the same?_

 _We can’t go back to the way things were. We can’t be lovers again. Not after how toxic and awful he was before. I could never willingly let him back into my life like that, knowing that there’s a possibility he hasn’t changed at all and he’s just faking it… but I could have at least heard him out before yelling at him and telling him off. He’s a person too, after all, and if something was bothering him so much that he felt the need to come to_ me _, it was probably pretty important. God, I’m such an idiot. I made this all about me when he really needed help. How can I fix this…? I could try and visit him soon, make sure he’s okay. Maybe not tomorrow, though. That might be a bit too soon, and I don’t know if I can handle two days in a row of being around him. Even if he’s changed, his presence still makes my skin crawl. So, maybe in a couple days I can go and see him, make sure he’s doing okay and maybe try and talk some things out with him. Yeah, that’s a good idea._

Feeling satisfied, I curled up on the couch, wrapped up in my softest, warmest blanket like a little burrito, and closed my eyes, a slight smile on my face. It still wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t sure exactly what the next few days might hold, but at least I had a plan. At least I knew where to start.

_Beep, beep, beep_.

Groaning, I grabbed my phone off the coffee table, turned off the alarm, and then proceeded to throw my phone across the room. It landed on the pile of pillows resting there with a soft _thud_ , and I snuggled back under my blanket, letting my eyes slip closed. _Five more minutes,_ I thought sleepily, but then everything that happened the night before came flooding back into my head. _Fuck, I had hoped that it was just a bad dream. Guess I won’t be sleeping in after all._ Sitting up, I pushed the dark, wild, tangled locks out of my face as I stretched and got to my feet, stumbling to the kitchen for some coffee. I knew that if I had any hopes of making it through the day without crashing, I was going to need a gallon of caffeine in my system first.

As I waited for the coffee to brew, I decided to check the mail. _The mailman’s usually here at an ungodly hour. If anything came in the post, it should be here by now, and that way I can read the newspaper while I drink some coffee._ Slipping my feet into a ratty pair of sneakers, I walked down the driveway to my mailbox and checked inside. There were the usual things, bills, credit card info, coupons for places I never go, but when I reached the bottom, I found a plain envelope with nothing written on the outside. Frowning, I decided to go ahead and open it now, my curiosity getting the best of me.

Ripping the envelope open, I found a few pages of writing in tiny, cramped, fancy handwriting that was so familiar to me that it might as well have been my own. I felt my heart drop at the sight of it, and I quickly began reading.

_Virgil,_

_I am so, so sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you. I hurt you so many times, tore you apart and collected all the broken pieces to shape them into a person of my own vision. I used you and manipulated you until you didn’t know what was good for you anymore, and then I made you feel like dirt for not meeting the impossible standards I set for you. I know that what I did was fucked up. I know that I can never apologize enough for all the horrible, wretched, hellish things I put you through. I know I can never earn your forgiveness for all the times I hurt you, broke you, and left you alone, crying and begging me to help you. I’m not asking for forgiveness. I’m not asking for you to let me back in your life. I don’t deserve the blessings and joys that you brought into my life every moment I spent with you. You don’t deserve the torment and fear that I brought into your life every second we were together. I’m not writing this to beg you to come back to me. I’m not that stupid or self-absorbed to try any shit like that. I’m writing this to say goodbye once and for all._

_I’m sorry that things have to end this way. I’m sorry that I ever let things get this far. I’m sorry if you ever feel like any of this is your fault. None of this was ever your fault, Virgil. I was broken long before I met you. I’m surprised I even lived long enough to have met someone as amazing and loving and wonderful as you. No, this is not your fault. In fact, I’m already regretting writing this stupid thing, because I know that you’ll start blaming yourself over what happened to me. But this isn’t a letter blaming you for anything. I would never blame you for what happened to me. This is a good bye, a final farewell, and one last apology before the end. I guess you could say that this is my parting gift to you, in a way. I hope that my fate will grant you the closure you so desperately need, Virge. I can’t stand it knowing that you’re still suffering because of me._

_I’m ending it all. I know that they say suicide is never the answer, and that it only ever hurts those closest to you, but I think that’s all a load of bullshit. There is no answer. There is nothing left that will take away the pain I feel. I hurt all the time. It’s so hard to even get out of bed in the morning, much less take care of myself and live my life. I would have died from some sort of sickness or some shit like that in a year anyway, so I might as well end it now and keep my suffering short. I’ve been a mess for years, and trying to get better has only made things worse. I can’t bear it anymore. I know it’s cowardly, and I know it’s stupid, but I just can’t do it. I can’t live anymore. It’s time I go, before I hurt anyone else. And as for people close to me getting hurt? That’s bullshit too. The only person who’s ever been close to me is you. You’re the only person who ever cared, and I hurt you. I hurt you so bad, Virge. I can never forgive myself for what I did._

_Killing myself is the only answer. It’s the only way to take away the pain I cause you every time you see me. It won’t take away the damage that’s already been done, but maybe, just maybe, it’ll give you some peace, knowing that the monster who broke you has been destroyed. And maybe it’ll give me some peace, too. I know that I hurt you and I treated you horribly in the past, but the truth is, I still love you, Virgil. I love you with all my heart, but I don’t deserve you. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who will treat you right. Not someone who hurts you without even realizing what he was doing was wrong. I’m so sorry, Virge. I know you will never forgive me, and I understand why, but I hope that one of these days, you might not hate me quite as much. I hope that when you think of me, you don’t see a monster, but see a man who lost control of the monster within…_

I stopped reading. I couldn’t bear to read any more. Gripping the letter tight, I dragged in a couple breaths to try and keep from hyperventilating, my mind racing. _No. Nonononononononono. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. God, no. No. No! I have… I have to do something. I have to stop him! I don’t care about the past anymore. I can’t lose Jan. I just can’t!_

In one quick motion, I slammed the mailbox lid shut and stuffed the letter in the pocket of my flannel before racing into the house. Skidding to a stop in the kitchen and nearly crashing into the island in the process, I threw the mail on the table and snatched up my keys before jumping in the car, barely remembering to lock the door behind me. Turning the keys and waiting for the stupid hunk of junk to start up, I took a few more quick breaths before pulling out my phone and typing out a text with trembling hands.

_EmoNightmare:_ i need your help

_Popstar:_ What’s goin’ on kiddo?

_Thomathy:_ Are you okay Virge?

_EmoNightmare:_ jan's trying to commit suicide. i need you to help me look for him. can you guys look around in his favorite spots and see if you can find him while I check his apartment?

_MicrosoftNerd:_ Of course. I also know of several nearby areas that are statistically more common places for suicide attempts to occur that we can visit.

_EmoNightmare:_ thanks guys.

_Princey:_ Dont worry, Virge. We will find him before anything happens.

_Dukey:_ yeah, the ONLY person who can kill MY sneky is ME!!!!!!!!

_EmoNightmare:_ send out a text if you see him. thanks again.

_MicrosoftNerd:_ It is no problem, Virgil. Even if we have had our differences with Janus in the past, none of us wish to see him come into any harm.

Shoving my phone back in my pocket, I slammed my foot on the gas and sped over to Janus’s apartment, my mind going a mile a minute. I kept coming up with a million situations in my head of how this could have happened, of how I could have let this happen. _I should have known!_ I thought angrily. _I should have known something serious was going on when he came to my apartment last night. Of course he wasn’t trying to guilt his way back into my good graces. He was feeling suicidal and needed help! And I… I pushed him away, made him feel even worse. All the stuff I said to him..._ I felt sick.

_When on earth would he have found time to put that letter in my mailbox? I don’t remember seeing him stop by the mailbox after he left. I would have noticed something like that. Did he put it in there before he knocked on my door? But what if I had helped him? Would he have still tried to kill himself? Oh god, what if I’m already too late? What if he killed himself right after I drove him away? What if he had already planned out his attempt, and was looking for someone to talk him out of it? Or maybe… maybe he wanted me to… help him. Maybe he wanted me to help him commit suicide. God, that’s awful. No, he would never ask that of me. Maybe… maybe he stuck the letter in my mailbox this morning. Maybe he wrote it really recently. Maybe I’m not too late. Maybe… maybe he’s still alive. Maybe he’s okay. Please, please god let him be okay. I don’t care about anything else, as long as he’s okay._

When I arrived at his apartment complex, I didn’t even bother to park the car. I just stopped in the middle of the parking lot, took the keys out of the ignition, and sprinted inside. Racing up the stairs, I reached his apartment in record-breaking time and raised my hand to hammer on his door, but froze when I realized that the door was cracked open slightly, unlocked. _Oh god. That… that can’t be good._

My heart in my throat, I gently pushed the door open and peered inside. At first, everything appeared the same as it did the last time I had been here, all those years ago. Even in the dark, I knew the outline and shape of each piece of furniture, knew the blueprint of his house like the back of my hand. But something felt… off about being here now. Maybe it was just me being paranoid, or maybe it was just my nerves getting the best of me, but the voice in the back of my head refused to shut the fuck up. The alarm bells ringing in my brain were on full alert as I slowly, carefully stepped through the doorway. Taking a few deep, calming breaths, I reached blindly for the lightswitch that I knew would be there, and bit back a scream.

Blood. Blood splattered on the wall, flecks blending in with the sprigs of red flowers on the wallpaper that I had always considered to be quite tasteful, but now made me feel sick just looking at it. Blood staining the plush grey carpet that coated the interior of the living room, turning it a color that was rather reminiscent of rusting metal. Blood oozing from the large gaping hole at Janus’s temple, the wound made by the same blood-speckled gun that sat in his pale, cold, dead hands.

I fell to my knees, black spots dancing before my eyes as I felt my heart pounding rapidly in my chest and my stomach turn violently at the thick, sickeningly sweet smell of blood that permeated the air. _No. This isn’t real. This can’t be real. Janus isn’t dead. Janus is fine. He’s alive and well. I must be hallucinating. It’s just a bad dream, and I’m going to wake up any minute now and laugh at how ridiculous this all is. Why… why won’t I wake up? Come on, this isn’t funny anymore. Please, just wake up. I don’t like this dream anymore._ But no matter how long I knelt there, gazing at Janus’s lifeless body sprawled across the floor, and tried to wake up from the horrible nightmare that I was trapped in, nothing ever changed. I was still kneeling there, barely able to see through the tears gathering in my eyes, my heart slowly shattering into a million pieces inside my chest, and Janus was still dead, his cheeks stained from the tears that had streamed from his eyes maybe only a few hours ago and covered in speckles of blood that had just begun to dry.

_This… this is real, isn’t it. This isn’t a dream. Janus is really dead. He’s really gone. I’m too late. I couldn’t save him. I failed him. And now he’s gone._

My head was spinning so fast I was surprised I was even able to stay conscious. Everything seemed to go in and out of focus as I clumsily crawled over to Janus’s cold, stiff body. For a moment, I just blinked at him, unsure what to do, before my mind finally kicked into gear. Pressing my fingers to his neck, I felt for a pulse that I knew wouldn’t be there. He had shot himself in the head. There was no coming back from that, especially if he had been lying there for as long as I feared he had. Sure enough, there was nothing. I blinked back tears. _Not now. I need to focus. I need… I need to text the others._

I managed to pull my phone out of my pocket even as my fingers trembled violently, and opened up the group chat. The others had left several messages about the places they had checked, all coming up negative, and I felt my stomach twist. _They don’t even know he’s gone. They still think he’s here. They’re still looking for him. They still have hope._ I felt sick to my stomach.

_EmoNightmare:_ i found him

_MicrosoftNerd:_ What is his status? Is he unharmed?

I texted out a reply and waited, my finger hovering over the send button. _I don’t know if I can do this. If… If I send it, this becomes real. This all becomes real and not just a horrible nightmare. They’ll all know the truth. They’ll all know I failed him._ I almost hated to tell them the truth. I didn’t want to crush their hopes. But I pressed the button just the same.

_EmoNightmare:_ he’s dead

_Thomathy:_ God...

_Popstar:_ That’s horrible! Kiddo, are you okay?

_EmoNightmare:_ not really

_Thomathy:_ Do you need us to come over?

_EmoNightmare:_ yes please

_Princey:_ Fear not, Virgil! We will come to your aid momentarily. Just… dont do anything stupid until we get there, okay?

_Dukey:_ yeah, doing stupid shit is MY thing!!!!!!!

_EmoNightmare:_ i won't. thanks guys

_Popstar:_ No problem kiddo! We’ll be there as soon as we can.

As I gazed down at my phone screen, the words all became murky and mixed up, and I reached up to wipe my eyes only to find them full of tears. I blinked at my hand, now wet from the tears, and dropped my phone, not noticing or caring that it had partially fallen in the puddle of blood near my feet. Wrapping one arm around my stomach and pressing the other over my mouth, I attempted to hold in the pain and tears for a moment longer, but it overtook me all at once. Falling on my hands and knees, I burst into tears, watching as my vision became blurred and watery and my whole body began to shake violently. _I’m sorry Janus. I’m so sorry._

I felt the urge to hold him one last time, and for once, I didn’t stop to think twice. Crawling over to the pale, brown eyed boy, I gathered him in my arms and held him to my chest, sobbing breathlessly into his hair. He felt so cold, so stiff and lifeless, that it was almost too much to handle, but I couldn’t bear to let him go.

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m so so sorry. I’m sorry Jan. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry I couldn’t see that you were in pain. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry.”

He didn’t reply back, but I didn’t expect him to. Instead, I just held him closer and cried, stroking his pale cheek and running my hands through his hair just like I always used to do. I studied him carefully, committing every detail to memory, because I knew this would be the last time I would ever see him again. His eyes, one a rich chocolate brown and the other the color of honey, gazed sightlessly into the distance, so wide and innocent. His lips, twisted into a pained smile, as if he was in great pain but he knew that it would all get better soon. His hands, one holding the gun tightly as if it were his lifeline and the other reaching out slightly, as if to take someone’s hand. He was beautiful. He looked like an angel. An angel who was gone now, because of me.

I interlaced my fingers with his, brushing the tangled, blood-soaked locks from his face and gently pressed a kiss to his tear-stained cheek.

“I love you,” I whispered into the silence that seemed to be holding us in a warm, timeless embrace. A few tears dripped from my chin and landed on his skin, and I gently brushed them away, gazing at the love of my life one last time. “I will always love you, no matter what. I will never forget you. I’m sorry.” And then I bent my head and cried.


	4. Please Don't Leave Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Creativitwins Angst. Inspired by the song "Hold On" by Chord Overstreet (listen to it while reading if you'd like). Hurt & Comfort.
> 
>  **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
>  Suicide, anxiety, implied depression, self-hatred, blood and gore (limited). Reader discretion is advised.

There was a strange buzz in the mindscape that I didn’t like. It was similar to the anxious energy that Virgil occasionally gave off, but not quite the same. There was something more to it, a sharp, harsh edge that I had never felt before. The buzz was not necessarily anxious in nature, at least, that was what my gut was telling me, but it had been wrong before. As much as I hated to admit it, I did not know what this feeling was or why it was here. All I knew was it felt dangerous, and by the love of Disney, I was going to figure out what was going on if it killed me.

I decided to check in with Thomas first. It had taken me a good two minutes to decide that after I had an inner debate going on in my head over whether it would make more sense to check in with him or Virgil first. Virgil was usually the source of nervous energy, and it would make the most sense for him to be the cause, but this felt different than anything we had ever seen before, and I wasn’t so sure he was the culprit this time after all. Thomas might have more answers, as it was going on inside his head. So, with that decided, I rose up in my spot in Thomas’s living room, not even bothering to strike my usual pose. This was more important than theatrics. The feeling in my gut told me something was really wrong here.

“Greetings, Thomas!”

He flinched and whirled around to face me from the spot he had been pacing, relaxing slightly when he realized it was me. “Roman, what are you doing here? We aren’t doing a video.”

“You are correct. However, I happened to notice a strange, fiendish energy filling the very air of the mind palace, and I came here in search of answers. So, what is troubling you, good sir? What might be the cause of your discomfort?”

Thomas rubbed his arms up and down, shivering slightly. He sighed. “I have no idea. I just… I feel really bad right now, and I don’t know why. It’s… it’s awful, Roman. Whatever this feeling is, I hate it.”

I scratched at my chin thoughtfully. “Are you feeling especially anxious? Are you distressed? How would you describe the feeling?”

“It’s not anxiety. It’s… I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like…” Thomas paused, searching for words. “It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff, and you know you can fly. You have wings that are perfectly capable of catching you before you hit the ground, but you don’t bring them out. You just step off the cliff and let gravity do with you what it will, not knowing whether your instincts will save you or not. It’s like skydiving and not knowing if your parachute works or not until you’re hurtling through the sky thousands of feet from the ground. It’s… it’s just so strange. I’ve never felt this way before. It feels… dangerous, and wrong. I don’t like it.”

I frowned. “That… is strange. Fear not, Thomas! I will discover the root of your discomfort and put an end to it once and for all!”

He smiled wearily. “Thanks Roman.”

“Just… try to relax and take it easy until then,” I cautioned. “We don’t know how this feeling might affect the others or you. It’s safer to just wait it out instead of accidentally putting yourself in danger because of it.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

I sank out quickly, dropping back into the mind palace’s living room. Taking a moment to get my bearings, I heard the sound of the oven beeping coming from the kitchen and decided to check there first. Stepping into the kitchen, I was overwhelmed by the sweet smell of cookies fresh out of the oven, and sure enough, Patton stood near the counter, a tray in one hand as he placed cookie after cookie on the cooling rack sitting there. As he worked, he was humming along to the unfamiliar song that was playing from the little speaker sitting on the kitchen island.

“Patton?”

He glanced over at me with a grin. “Hiya Roman! How are ya bud?”

I smiled brightly as I approached him. “I am doing fabulous as always. How are you, Padre?”

“Great! I’m about to start another batch of cookies soon. You can have some once they cool if you want.”

“Thanks, Patt. I have a question for you.”

He pulled off his gloves before turning to me and leaning against the counter. “Oh, you do? Well, ask away!”

“I was wondering if you noticed the strange energy in the mindscape lately. Do you know what’s causing it? Is something wrong?”

Patton seemed to be deep in thought. “Now that you mention it, yeah I did notice it. It sure is strange, but I’m sure it’s fine. Feelings like this just tend to come and go, and you can’t do much more than wait for it to pass.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing we can do?”

“I mean, I’m not an expert on this kind of stuff, kiddo, but I don’t see a reason to fret. It’s probably just a little leftover anxiety or maybe there’s been an overflow of creative energy.”

I frowned. Sure, that could be the answer, but it didn’t feel right. Something in my gut told me that there was something seriously wrong here, even if Patton didn’t seem to think so.

“If it’s bothering you that much, kiddo, you might want to check in with Logan. He might know what’s going on.”

“Thanks Padre. I’ll do that.”

Heading out of the kitchen, I rushed upstairs to Logan’s room and knocked on the door. For a second, there was only silence, and I thought that perhaps he had snuck into the living room while I wasn’t looking, but then the door creaked open and I found myself face to face with an irritated Logan.

“What is it, Roman?” he demanded. “I am trying to work.”

“I’m really sorry to bother you, Lo. I just… have you noticed the weird energy in the mind palace? It feels really off. Do you have any idea what’s going on?”

He sighed. “Yes, I have noticed it, but I see no reason to be so concerned over it. It is simply leftover energy from one of our latest endeavors, likely from the creative burst you experienced yesterday.”

“But this has never happened before when I’ve had a creative burst.” I bit my lip. “Are you sure nothing else could be causing it?”

Logan stared down his glasses at me, looking completely done with my shenanigans. “Even if it were, there is no reason to be in such a worried state. There is just a surplus of energy in the air, and it will cease overtime. Now if you excuse me, I need to get back to work.”

And then he slammed the door in my face. I sighed. _Only one side left to ask. Hopefully Virge can give me more insight than they can. I don’t get it. Clearly there is something wrong, and they just… don’t care? Or am I blowing this way out of proportion? I suppose if I ask Virgil and he doesn’t see anything amiss, then I truly am overthinking things. I’ll go find him and see what he has to say._

Walking to Virgil’s room, my fist hovered over the door hesitantly as I struggled between the decision of knocking or walking away. It was true that Virgil and I were getting along much better than we had in the past, but I still had the distinct impression that he didn’t like me. Perhaps I was mistaken, but something about his expression whenever I was near felt… off. Well, no matter. This was more important than some petty grudge or minor dislike. Something was terribly wrong in the mindscape, and I was going to get to the bottom of it. And with that decided, I knocked on the door.

I stepped back as the door swung open, revealing a tired looking emo. He was wearing his signature hoodie and black jeans, his hair was a tangled mess, and his face was lacking any of its usual eyeshadow, a clear sign that he had been asleep. Without the eyeshadow, I could see a sprinkle of freckles on his cheeks that I hadn’t known were there before. Blinking in surprise, I barely had a moment to gather my thoughts before he hissed at me.

“What the hell are you doing here, Princey?” he demanded. “I was trying to sleep.”

“My deepest and most sincere apologies, Stormcloud,” I offered. “I truly did not mean to wake you. But I fear that something is amiss in our kingdom.”

He raised an eyebrow as he leaned against the doorframe. “Okay, you’ve intrigued me. What’s goin’ on?”

“Have you noticed the strange energy that has coated the mind palace like freshly fallen snow?”

Virgil closed his eyes for a moment, going quiet and still as he felt for the energy I had described. I did my best not to disturb him, watching silently as he did so. His face went pale and his eyes shot open at once, the rich brown orbs flickering around the room at a rapid pace as he tried to regain his bearings. I reached out to catch him in case he was about to faint, but he only shook his head at me.

“This is bad. This is really bad,” he muttered.

“I thought so too, but Patton and Logan didn’t believe me.”

“Okay, who have you checked in with?”

“Besides Padre and the nerd? Thomas, and now you. You aren’t the cause of this, right? It doesn’t feel like your energy.”

He shook his head. “No, this isn’t me. It’s not really anxious energy. It’s…” he paused for a moment. “It reminds me of your energy, actually, Princey.”

I blinked in surprise. “Me? You… you aren’t actually insinuating that _I’m_ the cause of this, are you?”

“No, I was not. It’s pretty clear that it isn’t you, dumbass, or else you wouldn’t be trying to figure out who the cause of it was. But you know who else has a similar energy?”

My eyes darkened. “Remus.”

“When’s the last time you talked to your brother?” Virgil asked worriedly.

I skimmed my memory. “The episode with him in it, I suppose. We had an argument afterwards and he ran off to the rat infested hole he climbed out of.”

He blinked. “Really? That was months ago. I thought you said he usually comes to your room to bother you at least once a week?”

“You… you’re right. But… he hasn’t. He hasn’t been to my room in… well, forever.” My stomach twisted painfully at the realization. _Remus would only stop bothering me if something was happening, something bad. God, how did I not realize? I’m so stupid!_ “I think… I think something is terribly wrong. I have this weird feeling in my gut. I… I have to go check on him. If something’s wrong, I want to be able to help him. We may not get along, but he’s still my brother. I… I don’t want anything to happen to him. I can’t… I can’t lose him.”

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to look at Virgil. “Well, I’m obviously coming along.”

“Really? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I know the darksides can be-”

“I’m coming, Roman,” he said firmly. “They were my family once, and even if things aren’t the same as they were back then, I still want to make sure they’re okay. Besides, if it turns out Remus isn’t the cause of this, you’ll need my help to talk to Deceit. And if it turns out that he _is_ the cause, I want to help him too. He… he used to be my best friend, before I left. I don’t want him hurt anymore than you do.”

I felt a smile tease at the corners of my lips. “Thank you, Virgil.”

He seemed slightly shocked by my words, a lopsided smile stretching across his face as he squeezed my shoulder once. “Anytime, Princey. Now let’s go.”

Soon enough Virgil and I were rushing through the mindscape, weaving through hallways and corridors until we made it to the darkside. Aside from the temperature shift from warm to cold the second we entered their domain, the corridors also became much darker and more twisted. Remus often described the darkside as the world’s most frustrating maze, and I could see why. The hallways were ever shifting and changing, leading me to wonder how anyone found anything in this deathtrap. It was a miracle Remus had ever found a way to my room to bother me in the first place. However, soon I began to feel something in my gut. It was almost like a magnet pulling me towards something, and I knew at once that the something in question was no doubt my brother’s room. So with my destination in mind, I rushed onward, the emo by my side.

Suddenly, I felt a strange sensation wash over me, and seconds later I was on the ground without any clue how I got there. Everything was blurry and muffled, almost like I was underwater. I could hear Virgil calling my name, but it sounded distant. I could feel his fingers digging into my arm, but it felt like they were little more than the brush of fabric against my skin. My ears were ringing loudly as I placed a hand to my chest, wondering if this is what it felt like to be shot. I couldn’t find a wound, any injury that would cause me to collapse as I did, but the longer I knelt there on the ground the more I realized that I felt… complete. It was as if there had been a hole in my chest that I hadn’t even realized was there, but now it was full. It… it was almost as if I was suddenly more than I had been before. All-encompassing. Whole.

Virgil was panicking, talking to me in that deep, echoey voice that always managed to break me free from my thoughts, but it didn’t work this time. I couldn’t hear a word that he said. I could see his lips move, I could tell that Virgil was screaming my name and the names of the others, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. I knew what this meant. Deep down in the pit of my stomach, I knew what happened. But I refused to believe it. I couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t be possible. It just couldn’t.

Logan and Patton appeared in the blink of an eye, likely due to Virgil’s screams for help, and they knelt beside me, trying their best to figure out what was going on. I appreciated their efforts, truly, but I wasn’t the one who needed help. I could feel a hand on my shoulder, hear Logan’s calm, monotone voice giving me instructions to breathe or something like that, but it didn’t matter, because suddenly I was on my feet and charging into the deepest depths of the Darkside, following a path that I could wander in my sleep. There was only one place I would ever want to go, only one place I would ever need to go: Remus’s room. I could hear the others calling after me, hear their footsteps chasing after me, but I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was finding Remus. The only thing that mattered was proving the feeling wrong.

Racing through the halls with the others a few yards behind me, I could feel my heart hammering in my chest, feel the breath wheezing in my lungs, but it all felt distant, removed from me. All that mattered was the strange feeling in my chest, and what it meant. What it couldn’t mean. What I refused to let it mean. Because if it truly meant that, then I didn’t know what I would do. So I just ran.

Once I arrived at my brother’s room, I threw the door open and burst inside, my mind whirring a mile a minute. As my eyes took in the sight before me, I felt all my emotions and logical thinking shut down in an instant. I refused to acknowledge the blood that was splattered all over the floor, all over the walls, all over my brother’s black and green outfit. The outfit that we had designed together when we were little kids. The outfit that he still wore in spite of the fact that it was no longer his style, simply because it had been the last thing we had ever made together. I refused to see the knife buried deep in Remus’s chest, or the gaping wounds at his neck and wrists. He had always told me that if he were ever to die, he wanted to go out with a bang. He said that he would make a performance out of it, that he would leave people speechless when it was all over. I was feeling pretty speechless. I ignored the letters that were sitting on my brother’s desk, ignored the way they were stained with blood and tears, much like Remus’s pale cheek. I couldn’t see it, because if I saw it, I would break. I would shatter into a million pieces that could never be put together again, and I couldn’t afford to do that yet. Not until I was certain that it was too late. Not until I knew that it was over.

I rushed over to Remus and pulled him into my arms, feeling for a pulse I knew wouldn’t be there, but that couldn’t not be there. _Please._ I begged silently. _Please, please, please, please, please. Wake up. Please wake up. I need you, brother. Please._

I could see the others in the doorway out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to acknowledge them, gently shaking my brother as if to wake him from a dream. Remus always had the worst dreams. He used to come to me for comfort afterwards, clinging to me like I was his lifeline while he cried himself to sleep. I remembered them all so vividly. There were dreams where he died, where one of the other sides died, and even dreams where I died. The ones where I died were always the worst for him. He wouldn’t leave me alone for weeks afterwards, afraid I would disappear if he wasn’t by my side. There were dreams where Thomas refused to accept him, even went so far as to banish him from his mind entirely. There were dreams where Remus was forced to watch all of us get tortured right before his eyes, or dreams where he was captured and tortured, begging for us to come rescue him, but we never came. There were so many others, all back from when we were children, that haunted him, day and night. So many nightmares that I had been able to help him through, that I would never be able to help him through again.

“Wake up, Remus,” I said softly, shaking him again. “Please, you have to wake up. Please, just open your eyes. Stop playing d-dead. This…” I felt my throat start to close, felt the tears burning in my eyes as I spoke. “This was a wonderful prank, Ree. You got us all good. But now it’s time to wake up. Plea-please wake up.” I began to get more desperate, shaking my brother harder and begging, pleading for him to wake up. “Please, just open your eyes. Jus-just for a moment. P-please, Ree. Wake up. Ple-please wake up. I need… I need you. I cc-can’t l-lose you. Please, pl-please wake up. O-open your eyes, Ree. Now. I need… I need you to open your eyes. I need to k-know you’re okay. Please. P-please…”

I wasn’t sure how long I begged and pleaded for Remus to wake up when I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Roman,” the voice was gentle but firm, “Remus is gone.”

I broke. Tears were spilling down my cheeks at a rapid rate, filling my eyes until I could barely see through them, stinging my eyes as they flowed down and dripped off my chin to the cold, concrete floor below. I pulled Remus close to my chest and sobbed, begging him to come back, telling him that I was sorry, that I still loved him and still needed him. Anything to get him to come back. I needed him to come back.

The others tried to help me, tried to comfort me and remind me to breathe, but they, too, were caught up in grief. Patton was sobbing desperately, clutching the letter Remus wrote him to his chest after he read it, apologizing again and again for whatever he had told him. Virgil was having a panic attack, pacing around the room at such a frantic speed that he kept tripping over his own feet, his breath coming out in shallow gasps. Logan stood in the center of the room, looking completely and totally lost, knowing that we all needed help but not knowing what to do, knowing that he needed to grieve as well but not knowing how. In other words, we were all a mess, and it was a wonder Thomas didn’t come to check on us. Although, if this was how we were all feeling, I could only imagine what he was going through, and he had no idea what was going on. He had no idea what had happened. He didn’t know that Remus was…

I couldn’t finish the thought, clinging to my brother’s corpse like it would disappear if I let go, and maybe it would. I had never witnessed another side die before, how was I to know what would happen? I didn’t think any of us had witnessed a side die before. I didn’t even know it was possible for a side to die. I figured I would find out one way or another, but I had never thought it would be like this.

“Well, this is quite the sight. I have to admit, when I came here to see what all the commotion was about, I _totally_ expected to see something like this.”

A voice floated in from the hallway, and I glanced over to see Deceit standing there, looking between all of us with a mix of sorrow and pity on his face, but never surprise. My usual instinct when Deceit showed up, which was to decapitate him with my sword, never appeared. I didn’t know the exact cause for my lack of hostility towards the snake-like side, but what I did know was that I never wanted to see another dead body again, not even the dead body of one of my worst enemies.

Deceit strode into the room and let his eyes scan the room, taking in the situation with a calm and orderly expression that somehow seemed to put us all just slightly more at ease. Without letting go of my brother, I gazed around the room numbly, witnessing everything as it happened without comprehending what was going on. I was still wary of the lying side, too much so to ignore him entirely, but he seemed to mean no harm, so I didn’t do anything to stop him. Deceit approached Virgil first and led him through a couple breathing exercises, before turning to Logan and handing him a sheet of paper and a pen. Logan blinked at him, looking extremely confused, and Deceit sighed.

“Write down your thoughts and feelings,” he explained. “You have trouble expressing your emotions in a tangible way, so putting things down on paper may help you process them in a more constructive way, instead of just shoving them aside and pretending they don’t exist. That’s not really coping, Logic.”

“I… thank you, Deceit.”

He nodded shortly before turning to Patton, and his expression softened. “You wanna talk about what Remus wrote, Pat?”

Patton nodded, tears in his eyes. “Y-yes.”

Deceit seemed to notice Patton’s discomfort with being in Remus’s room, because he said, “Okay. Why don’t you head to the commons for now? I’ll be with you in one second, I just need to take care of something real quick.”

“A-alright. Th-thanks kiddo.”

A rare smile appeared on Deceit’s face. “No problem.”

Patton disappeared out the door. I glanced to Logan, who was sitting at the desk, his pen moving rapid-fire as he attempted to write down all the thoughts and feelings in his head. Although I could have been seeing things, I could have sworn I saw a tear make its way down his cheek. Deceit was standing next to Virgil, who was looking much calmer now, and was whispering something in his ear. Virge made a face, and Deceit fixed him with a look.

“Alright, fine!” the emo sighed bitterly.

“Thank you.”

And then Deceit disappeared out the door.

I glanced down at my brother’s body, attempting to memorize his every feature one last time. It was hard to see through all the tears, but I had to try. I couldn’t let go of my brother until I knew I would never forget him, until I knew I could commit him to memory forever. Only then would I finally release him from my grasp.

There was a hand on my shoulder, and I looked up to see Virgil standing over me, looking slightly uncomfortable but also extremely worried. Was he worried about… me? That was odd. I had never thought that Virgil would ever care about me enough to be worried. It was… strange.

“You okay, Princey?” he asked softly.

“No,” I sighed. “Not really.”

He sat down next to me. “That was a pretty stupid question, huh?”

“Yeah, it was pretty stupid. But… I appreciate it.”

I leaned my head on Virgil’s shoulder, and for once, he didn’t push me away. Instead, he placed a hand on my shoulder and let me cry.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked hesitantly.

I shook my head, managing a small smile in spite of everything. “Just you being here is enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Yeah, I know. Two suicide-themed one-shots in a row is probably a bit much. Sorry about that. I promise I'll have some happier fics in the future, but this is just where my inspiration led me. I hope you enjoy regardless, and remember you can request one-shots at anytime and I will write one based on your requests. Thank you for reading!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	5. You're Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton Angst. Logicality. Inspired by the song "Stand By You" by Rachel Platten (listen to it while reading if you'd like). Hurt & Comfort.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
>  Depression, self hatred, implied verbal and emotional abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

Logan paced around the room, thoughts tumbling around in his head like it was the inside of a washing machine.  _ He should have been here by now. It’s not like him to be late, much less this late. Where is he? _ He eyed the clock. It was nearly 6:30, and Patton should have arrived shortly before 6 like he always did. So where was he? Why wasn’t he here? Logan wasn’t sure if he should feel annoyed or worried. He didn’t want to feel either, but both emotions were warring with each other in his head, and feeling things couldn’t be avoided anymore. He had grown attached to the younger boy, and the thought of something happening to him made his stomach twist. 

He was halfway across the room when the door opened and Patton walked in. Logan rushed over, mouth open to say… what? Demand why he was late? Ask if he was okay? Both at the same time? He wasn’t sure, and it didn’t matter because when Logan saw the empty, glazed-over expression on Patton’s face, he was struck speechless. The boy looked dead to the world, numb and hollow, and it was an eerie sight. Logan didn’t know what to say or do, but it didn’t seem to matter, because Patton simply walked over and took a seat before looking to Logan for instructions. 

_ Should I scold him… or ask if he’s okay? What should I say? Should I say anything? Would it be wrong to pry into his personal life? _ Concern had won out in its battle against annoyance, but Logan wasn’t sure it would be wise to ask Patton what had happened. Instead, he decided to go about their normal routine and hope that the spark of life would return in Patton’s eyes on its own. He handed Patton the worksheets he was to do today and took his homework from him to grade. They worked in silence for a while, and once Logan had finished he glanced at his student. Patton’s hand was moving, but he wasn’t looking at his paper. Instead, his eyes gazed blankly at the wall, their empty, hollow nature truly starting to worry Logan. Patton clearly hadn’t gotten anything done in the ten or so minutes he had been ‘working’, and Logan couldn’t help but get a little frustrated in spite of himself.

“Patton!”

The boy’s head slowly turned to face Logan.

“What have you been doing all this time? Doodling? You came in here a half an hour late, you haven’t been working, and-” he paused “Are you even paying attention to me?! Patton! Look at me!”

The boy’s eyes met Logan’s, and Logan was horrified to see tears brimming in Patton’s deep blue eyes as the boy shot to his feet.

“Patton I-”

“I’m sorry Logan! I’m so sorry! I know I’m wasting time and not getting any work done, and I’m sorry! I’m sorry I haven’t been listening and paying attention! I’m sorry I’m such a bad student! I know I’m wasting your time and messing up your schedule! I know I’m being stupid and emotional and useless! I know that you probably hate me and wish you had never taken up this job! I’m sorry you’re stuck with me! I’m sorry I’m so stupid, and useless, and worthless, and pathetic! I’m sorry!” Patton’s voice went softer, more fragile and broken than Logan had ever heard, as the boy fell to his knees. “I’m so sorry Logan. I know I let you down. I know I’m just being stupid, like always. I know you’re probably sick of dealing with me and my issues. I’m just a useless, stupid, worthless mistake. I’m sorry.”

Patton buried his face in his hands and sobbed, and Logan felt so completely and utterly helpless. He walked over and knelt by the boy’s side, unsure whether he should put a hand on his shoulder or what he should do. He wished for the first time that he hadn’t been so quick to shove emotions out of his life, as then he might’ve known what to do in this situation.

“Patton…”

“I’m sorry Logan. I didn’t mean to lose it. Just give me a minute, and-”

Logan cut Patton off by pulling him into a hug, surprising both of them. Patton seemed wary at first, but soon leaned into the calming, gentle embrace, and Logan held the boy as tightly as he could, wishing this hug could erase all the hurt and tears that Patton had clearly been bottling up inside. He wished he had seen it sooner, and had been able to help the boy through what must have been a very difficult time, judging by Patton’s desperate sobs as he buried his face in Logan’s chest.

“Patton,” Logan said softly, “your mental health is far more important to me than schedules and deadlines, and I never should have let you think otherwise. If you’re really not feeling well, talk to me. I promise I won’t push you away or say I’m too busy. Nothing is more important than ensuring you have good mental health. I care about you too much to let you go on hurting alone like this. Please, tell me what’s going on. Why would you say those things about yourself?”

Patton pulled back, his tearstained face full of pain that felt like a stab through his heart when Logan saw it. The boy looked so alone and hurt that it took Logan’s breath away. Patton refused to look him in the eye, but his voice didn’t contain a speck of hesitance when he replied, “I said it because it’s true. All of it.”

“Patton, you can’t honestly think that! You can’t truly think that you are worthless, or useless, or-”

“Stupid? Of course I think I’m stupid! Everyone knows it. Everyone knows I’ll never be smart enough, and that I’ll never get anywhere in life,” his voice contained a bitterness that caught Logan off-guard.

“You’re not stupid Patton. You’re just-”

“A slow learner?” Patton countered, anger and bitterness clear on his face. “Oh, how original. I haven’t heard  _ that _ one before. It’s just another, nicer way of saying I’m a stupid moron who will never be as smart as everyone else.”

“I was going to say you simply have a different learning style that benefits more from a one-on-one approach. Patton… did… have your parents told you that you’re stupid? Is that why you feel this way?”

Patton snorted. “No. They would never say that. They say that I’m  _ different _ , that I’m just a slow learner, but I know the truth. They’re disappointed that I’m not smart and talented like my brother. I’m just a disappointment, a mistake. I bet they wish they’d never had me. Sometimes I wish the same thing. Maybe then they’d be happier. Maybe if I wasn’t around, things would be better.”

“You can’t honestly believe that, Patton.”

He turned and glared at Logan. “And why not?! It’s the truth, isn’t it? And aren’t you determined to always find out the truth? Well, here it is: I’m not worth your time, or effort, or talent. I’m not worth anything!”

Logan watched as Patton bowed his head, more tears streaming down his cheeks as he wrapped his arms around his stomach tightly. The boy looked so broken and lost that Logan couldn’t help the tear that slowly made its way down his cheek and dripped to the floor at the sight.

“Patton… you’re worth everything.”

The boy’s head shot up and he looked completely shocked and confused. “W-what?”

“You are single-handedly the nicest, kindest, most caring person I’ve ever met. You have so much empathy towards others and are always sacrificing yourself for others and their needs. You are determined to make sure everyone else is happy even if it means hiding your pain. You hate to burden others and are always willing to dedicate your time, energy, and effort into helping others. You are an amazingly selfless person who never fails to make the room light up the second you walk in. You’re everything I wish I could be,” Logan paused, “but I never realized how you might be feeling deep down inside. I never once thought that you would bottle up your negative feelings, your self-hatred and lowered self-esteem, and pretend that everything’s alright for others’ benefit. I never once stopped to consider why you always seemed to doubt yourself and were constantly looking for reassurance. I never stopped to think about why any kind word said to you made your day. But now I understand, and I want you to know that you’re not alone. Everyone has parts of themselves that they would rather hide away or change to be something else. Nobody’s perfect, and nobody loves every aspect of themselves. It’s okay to want to be better than you are, but you still need to love and appreciate the good parts of yourself too. It’s important to not let the negativity overwhelm the positivity or consume you. You need to remember that we’re all human, and by that account, we’re all flawed. And that’s okay. That’s what makes us unique, and there’s nothing wrong with individuality,” Logan explained, every word he said filling Patton with so much warmth and light.

“Thank you, Logan. That means a lot,” Patton said, a soft blush coloring his cheeks. “I didn’t realize you saw me that way. I… I didn’t think anyone could look at me and see anything else than a-” he cut himself off, his gaze moving to the floor as he bit his lip.

Logan wrapped Patton in another hug. “There isn’t one person in the world blind enough to not see the light you bring everywhere you go, Patton Hart. I can promise you that.”

Patton buried his face in Logan’s chest once more, breathing in the scent of old paper, ink, and peppermint. He closed his eyes, and for a second, he felt he could finally breathe freely without a million thoughts weighing him down. When he was in Logan’s embrace, he felt safe, home, and it surprised him how someone so different from him could understand him so fully. He had never felt so accepted, so… loved. And it scared him a little, the thought that he might be falling in love with Logan, because he knew that Logan couldn’t possibly love him back. 

Logan had said it many times before that he wasn’t comfortable around emotions and avoided getting emotionally attached or involved with anyone, so he doubted that Logan would ever even consider him a friend, much less a lover. He was only bound to get hurt if he allowed himself to feel anything more than friendship, but he couldn’t help it. This boy was everything to him, and he knew it was stupid and reckless, but he coudln’t control how he felt. He would just have to hide it and hope the feelings would go away. But for right then, Patton simply let himself be held in Logan’s strong, calming, gentle embrace.

As Logan climbed into his Pop’s car and drove away from the library, he found himself completely lost in thought.  _ I need to keep an eye on Patton more. He seems a bit better now that he let out some of his pent up negative emotions, but I’m pretty sure he’s still hiding things from me. I have to make sure he’s okay. Maybe I can find time to run into him in the hallways during school, or perhaps I could invite him to some sort of get together after school on a day that we don’t have a tutoring session scheduled. I do have his number. I can text him any time. And perhaps I should remind him that I’m always available to talk to over text or call. I can imagine that he has a lot more emotions bottled up inside that he needs to release. It can’t be healthy, pretending to be alright all the time. Everyone needs to check in with themselves and see how they’re feeling now and then. _ That gave Logan a pause. When was the last time  _ he _ had checked in with himself to see how he was feeling? He couldn’t recall, if he was being honest. But if he was lecturing Patton about these things, he needed to practice what he preached. 

_ How am I feeling right now? I’m feeling a little emotionally exhausted, if I’m being honest. I don’t usually deal with emotional problems, and this was a lot. But I feel really good. I was able to help someone who really needed it. This must be what Patton feels like all the time. He’s always going out of his way to help others. I wonder if he ever feels emotionally drained from helping others with their problems. Maybe that’s why he sets his own emotions to the side, so he can focus his time and energy towards others. That can’t be healthy.  _

_ Right, focusing on me. I am feeling… something strange. It’s almost warm and sweet, not exactly pleasant, because there is some pain to it, but a feeling that I’m almost inclined to embrace. It feels right, like I should feel this way all the time, but it seems dangerous, like the feeling could hurt me if I’m not careful. It’s a sense of attachment, of closeness to something or someone. It feels almost like how I feel towards my fathers, but not quite. This feeling is deeper, more dangerous but also more amazing. It’s a feeling capable of creating joy and sorrow in equal measures. I’m not sure if I like it, but I don’t want it to go away. I want this feeling. I want to experience it, to feel the ups and downs of this emotion until I get to… what? What is the end goal of this feeling? What is it leading me to? Why am I feeling it now? I don’t know. It’s so confusing and strange. Should I ask my fathers about it? I don’t know. I’d like to keep this feeling to myself for now, see if I can figure it out. I know there must be a reason behind me feeling this way, and I’m sure time will tell. Who knows, perhaps Patton could help me figure this out. He’s very skilled when it comes to emotions, and is able to read people surprisingly well. Maybe he is the key to unlocking this mystery. _


	6. One Big Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Virgil Angst (with a touch of Patton Angst). Familial love. Inspired by the song "Freaks" by Jordan Clarke (listen to it while reading if you'd like). Hurt and Comfort.
> 
>  **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
>  Mentions of depression, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, nightmares, suggested self-esteem issues. Please stay safe if any of these topics are sensitive to you.

Drying off my hands, I set the last plate in the cabinet and let out a sigh of relief, my shoulders slumping as I leaned against the counter. Taking off my glasses, I ran my fingers through my curly strawberry locks before placing them back on the bridge of my nose. Ever since we welcomed the darksides to come live with us, there were a lot more dirty dishes in the sink and filthy laundry in the washer to take care of. I was happy they were here, truly I was, but it was a whole lot of work for one father figure figment. Luckily for me, Janus and Logan were usually willing to chip in with the chores now and then, but tonight Janus wasn’t feeling well and Logan had an important project to work on, so I was on my own.

Scanning the kitchen, I was happy to see that everything was clean and orderly. I could finally get to bed and let dreams chase my worries away. _I wonder what the sandman has in store for me tonight,_ I mused as I climbed the stairs, careful to keep my footsteps light. Logan was a light sleeper, this I knew from experience, and his room was the closest to the steps. Flicking the light off, I crept down the hallway in silence, passing by the rooms of all my kiddos. Roman’s light was on. He was up late, probably working on a last minute idea. _I really need to start reminding him to go to bed earlier,_ I thought worriedly, but brushed the thought aside for now. I was too tired to get into an argument with him over sleep schedules. Maybe I could get Logan to lecture him tomorrow. Either way, I knew Roman wouldn’t be up for much longer. He may be stubborn, but he couldn’t resist his instinct, which told him to get a full eight hours of beauty sleep or face Remus’s endless teasing tomorrow. I shook my head, a slight grin on my face. _As much as the twins try to deny it, they really do love each other. I wonder if they even realize that all the times that they have looked out for one another through teasing and taunting._

 _Ah, here we are. My room._ The light blue door, decorated with an unseemly amount of stickers and drawings from my kiddos when they were younger, seemed so welcoming in the dim light of the hall. I could practically hear my bed calling my name, feel my feet begging me to lay down and give them a break, but a part of me hesitated. There was a churning in my gut, a clear warning that one of my kiddos needed me, and as tired as I was, I couldn’t ignore it. Following the sensation, I made my way to one of the doors further down the hall, the black-painted wood and purple detailing leaving no question as to who resided there.

Reaching for the handle, I sighed slightly, wondering what might be wrong. A nightmare, perhaps? It had been a while since he’d had one, and I knew that they tended to be really bad the longer he went in between them. Opening the door and peering inside, I saw a tiny lump of blankets curled up on the floor and another shadowy figure kneeling right in front of the trembling mass. _Remus._

All it took was a whimper of fear from Virgil and I was halfway across the room, quickly stepping between my dark strange son and the other boy. Remus stared at me, his eyes wide with surprise, as I shielded Virgil from his influence. I had no idea what Remus had done this time, but my gut told me that he was the cause of my little storm cloud’s discomfort, and I wasn’t going to let him hurt my son anymore.

“Remus! Leave him alone! Don’t you hurt him enough during the day?” I snapped, blocking the boy as he attempted to reach Virgil again.

It was like watching someone get slapped across the face, seeing Remus’s expression shift. One second he was staring after Virgil, wild eyed, and the next he looked so… hurt. Almost as if I had… betrayed him in some way. It made my stomach twist in a sickening manner, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was making sure Virgil was okay. I turned to the emo boy, only to find him reaching desperately for Remus, his eyes glazed over in pain and his hands trembling.

I froze, shocked and confused, and that gave the green-clad boy enough time to sneak past me. Stepping forward, I reached out to grab Remus and keep him away from my dark strange son, but stopped when I watched him kneel next to Virgil and grab his hand, murmuring something to him softly that seemed to ease his trembling and calm his mind, if only slightly. Dumbfounded, I stood there, watching as Remus gently brushed Virgil’s hair out of his eyes.

“It’s okay. I’m here, Virge. I’m right here. You’re gonna feel a little shitty for a sec, okay? Just don’t let go of my hand. It’s gonna be okay, Virgie. I promise. Deep breaths, remember? Can you breathe with me?” he said softly.

Virgil nodded, and I watched in surprise as Remus led him through a breathing exercise with the calm steadiness and efficiency of someone who had done so many times before. As he breathed, Remus’s hand brushed his temple, and Virgil eased into the wild boy’s touch. I watched in shock as Remus’s eyes began to glow a bright green. He pressed his thumb to Virgil’s forehead, and the boy instantly relaxed, his breathing smoothing out and all the tension leaving his face. Remus, however, seemed to experience the opposite reaction. His face twisted in pain and his breath caught in his throat as a small whimper escaped. Then, within seconds, Remus’s eyes stopped glowing and he removed his thumb from Virgil’s temple.

“R-Remus? What… what was that?” I asked breathlessly.

His eyes shifted over to mine wearily, and I bit my cheek at the glazed look of pain that rested there. Remus looked like he was seconds from passing out, and I quickly rushed to his side, only for him to wave me off.

“No, ‘m fine. V-Virgil. Take c-care of Virgil.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“C-Could you put him on his bed? I would help but… I… I think I need a sec… t-to catch my breath,” he requested.

“Of course!”

Scooping Virgil up into my arms, I gently deposited him on his bed, pulling the covers up and tucking him in. Glancing over at Remus, I felt my chest ache when I saw him grimace as he stood, his trembling hand resting on the bedpost to support himself.

“Do you want-?”

“No,” he said firmly. I watched as he drew in a breath before straightening, his face a mask. The only sign that he was still in pain was his clenched jaw. “I’m fine. Now let’s go. Virge needs to rest.”

“I-I’m sorry for-”

“It’s fine,” Remus snapped. “Let’s just go.”

“O-okay. Just… whatever you did, Remus… thank you.”

His eyes softened for a moment, and I saw the slightest glimpse of a smile grace his face before turning cold and distant once more. “Whatever.”

He turned to leave, his shoulders tense and a slight limp in his step. I wanted so badly to reach out and envelope the boy in a hug, but I knew he wouldn’t let me. While Virgil and I had grown to be quite close and even Janus was starting to warm up to me, Remus still kept his distance. I wasn’t sure why. I knew I had hurt him in the past, and I was trying to remedy it, but he wouldn’t even give me the chance. The only person he ever seemed to let his guard down with was Janus, but even then, they seemed more like business partners than family. He just seemed so… alone. 

I just wanted to make him feel okay. He was clearly in pain, and whatever he had done to help Virgil had only made it worse, but he refused my help. Sighing, I turned to follow him, feeling defeated. _Maybe I’ll never get him to forgive me. Maybe… maybe he’ll always hate me. I don’t really deserve forgiveness for all that I’ve done. He has every right to hate me. But… I just wish I could make it up to him. Help him feel better. I guess I never will._

“R-Ree?”

Remus and I both whirled around to see Virgil squinting at us from his bed, his hair a tangled mess and his makeup smudged.

“Stay?” 

Remus had his hand on the door handle and his expression was unreadable, but from the shaft of light coming through the door, I could see the conflict in his eyes.

“Please?”

He sighed, his expression softening. “Of course, Virgin.” Remus released the door handle and began to walk over. “You better scootch over, though. The bed is barely big enough to fit both of our fat asses.”

Virgil giggled at that as Remus climbed into bed with him. I watched them for a moment, knowing that I had never, and probably would never again, witness Remus being so… gentle. He genuinely cared about Virgil, and it seemed the boy cared about him in return, which was… not what I was expecting. From some of their previous interactions, I had assumed the pair hated each other, but it was clear that I couldn’t have been further from the truth. Smiling softly, I turned to leave.

“Pat?”

I glanced back at the boys. “Yes, Virgil?”

“Stay?”

I sighed. “I don’t know about that, kiddo. I’m not sure it’s such a good idea.”

He made grabby hands at me, using his puppy dog eyes to guilt me into staying. I glanced at Remus, conflicted. I wanted to stay, but I didn’t think he would like it all that much. I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I already had. He met my eye and shrugged, his expression still cold, but perhaps just a little warmer than before.

“Alright, kiddo. If you insist.”

I walked over and climbed into bed with them, grabbing a blanket to drape over Virgil. We laid there, Virgil sandwiched in the middle, his head resting in my lap and his fingers intertwined with Remus’s. I ran my fingers through Virgil’s hair, smoothing out the tangles, and within seconds, he was fast asleep.

For a while, we just laid there in silence, me staring down at the sleeping boy in my lap and Remus gazing off into the distance, his fingers rubbing small circles into the back of Virgil’s hand. I bit the inside of my lip, scared to speak but knowing I must.

“I really am sorry, Remus. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst. I just… I could feel that something was wrong, and I saw you there, and I jumped to conclusions. I acted without thinking. I’m so sorry that I did that to you.”

Silence.

I felt my heart sink in my chest as tears gathered in my eyes.

“I… I know you may never forgive me. I’ve hurt you so much in the past. It makes sense that you wouldn’t want to forgive me, after all that. I probably wouldn’t forgive me either.” My voice became choked as I tried and failed to keep the tears at bay. “I was… I was so _terrible_ to you, to the other darksides. I just… I was young and inexperienced, and I wanted to help Thomas. I wanted to protect him. I thought I was doing what was right. But I was wrong. I was _so wrong_ , and you suffered because of my stupidity. And you don’t have to forgive me, but I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m _so sorry._ I guess…” I sniffled, brushing aside the tears that had trailed down my cheeks. “I guess I’m a pretty shitty father, huh?”

“No.”

I blinked, glancing up at Remus in surprise. “W-what?”

He still wouldn’t look at me, but I could see the tears gathering in his eyes. “No, you’re not a shitty father. You just… did what you thought was best for Thomas. And… I don’t blame you for what you did to me. If I were in your place, I would probably do the same thing. You were right to lock me away and keep me a secret. I mean, what else would you do with a mistake like me?”

It felt like a punch to the gut. “ _What?_ A _mistake?_ No, Remus honey-”

“That’s what you thought of me at the time, right? A mistake? A mess that you had to clean up?” His eyes seemed to pierce me, fixing me in place. “Am I wrong?”

“N-no, you’re right.” I hung my head, feeling my heart ache in my chest. “That’s what I thought of you back then, and I was _so_ _wrong_. You aren’t a mistake. You aren’t. You are important and necessary, and I was just too blind to see it. Please, Remus, I know that it might be hard, but believe me when I say that you are loved and wanted.”

Nothing. No shift in his expression, no words leaving his lips, nothing to show that he had heard me or cared about a thing I said. I bit my lip. _God, what do I do? How can I show him that I was wrong, and that he is important and needed? Nothing I say seems to help. Oh God, I just want to make him feel better._

“Virgil used to have really bad nightmares when he lived in the Darkside,” Remus said suddenly, his voice low and strangely calm as he gazed sightlessly across the room, tears going unnoticed as they slid down his cheek. “I mean really bad. They would almost always result in a panic attack. Dee used to try and help him through them the best he could, but he could never really do much for Virge when he was like that. One night, I walked in on Virgil in the middle of a panic attack from his nightmares. And it was like… second nature, I guess. I pressed my thumb to his forehead, my eyes started glowing, and suddenly he was calm and happy, nightmare free. And all those nightmares? They were now mine. I could see what he saw, what had upset him so much from the very beginning. They were… they were _horrible_ . It _hurt_ , taking those nightmares from him. I had to watch the ones I loved die, watch myself die, watch every worst case scenario from fires to tornadoes and school shooters to mass suicides. It was… it was torture. I won’t pretend it wasn’t. But I still took them, because it meant that Virgil would feel better. He wouldn’t be in pain anymore. He could go back to sleep nightmare-free, and that’s the only thing that mattered to me. That’s how I figured it out.”

“Figured what out?” I whispered.

“My ability. My purpose for existing. I’m here to take away your intrusive thoughts.”

“W-what?”

He sighed, running his hands through his tangled, dark brown hair, the silver streak shining in the moonlight. “All of Thomas’s sides have intrusive thoughts to some degree. Dark, dangerous, unwanted thoughts that would harm them if they remained in your heads. If you kept these thoughts, they would affect your ability to function, your ability to keep Thomas alive and well. So, I take them away from you and make them my own, like Virgil’s nightmares.”

“But… doesn’t that hurt you?”

“Of course it does. But that doesn’t matter. It’s my job. If I didn’t do it, you guys wouldn’t be able to function. If I didn’t do it, I doubt Thomas would be alive right now.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but what could I say to that? He was right, as much as it hurt me to admit it. He had to do his job, fulfill his purpose, or he would fade. I just… wished his job didn’t hurt him in the process.

“To be honest, your intrusive thoughts don’t really bother me. None of yours do. They’re bad, and some of them affect me more than others, but they’re manageable. It’s my own that are the most damaging. They’re the ones that I wish I didn’t have to deal with, because I can’t rationalize my way out of them. Roman’s insecurities and Logan’s need for control are not necessarily things I can relate to. They aren’t as personal to me. But my own thoughts? There’s no escaping them.”

“I… I don’t get it. You said you take away our intrusive thoughts. How? And if you take them away, how come they still affect us? How come we can still remember them afterwards?”

“I don’t necessarily take them away, I just… relieve you of the worst of them. I don’t take away the memory of them, so you can still be affected by them. I just take away the impact they leave. For example, you’ve really been struggling with depression lately, right?”

I blinked. “I…”

“It’s a rhetorical question, Morality. I already know it’s true. Anyway, a lot of your thoughts have been thoughts of never being able to feel happy again and not doing good enough for your family. You still have those thoughts, right?”

“Y-yes.”

“But do those thoughts have the same impact as they used to? Do they still hurt you?”

I thought about it for a moment. “No… they don’t. That was you?”

He nodded. “I don’t take away the thoughts for good. If I could, I would. I hate being able to hear your thoughts in my head without having the ability to help. My ability… it’s debilitating. I can’t function as well as the rest of you because of it, and it affects my mental state as a result. That’s why I have to count on Dee to look after you. He’s better with mental health than me anyway. But that’s besides the point. I don’t remove the thoughts, but I weakened them to the point that you could use logic to combat them. You know that you will feel happy again, that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes, and that you do the best you can for your family, and using that logic, you can dispel the negative thoughts and shove them out of your head permanently.”

All my intrusive thoughts from years prior began to flash in my head and I felt my stomach twist. “K-kiddo, I am so sorry-”

He flinched, and my mouth snapped shut.

“S-sorry,” I murmured. “I just… I wish I had known. I wish I could have helped you through all of this. I hate that you had to deal with this on your own.”

Remus laughed lightly, and I glanced up to find him with a slight grin on his face. “I’m not alone, Morality. I’ve never been alone. I had Virge and Jan. They… they saved my life. They were there for me when I needed them. But…” I saw his face fall. “They’re here now. They were accepted by Thomas, and brought into your famILY. They aren’t there for me like they used to be. And I’m not upset!” he said quickly. “Really, I’m not. I’m glad they were accepted. I’m glad they found a family here. I just… I just wish they didn’t have to leave me behind to get here.”

“But Remus, you’re a part of this family too. We all love you. We can help you, all of us. You’re not alone. We’re right here.”

He laughed again, but this time it was harsh and cold. “Did you _really_ say that? That I’m _loved?_ That I’m a part of this _famILY?_ Are you _kidding_ me? _This_ isn’t my family. _This_ isn’t my home.” His breath caught in his throat as his hands began to shake. “My home is the darkside, where Dee will be in the kitchen, making soup or pasta and chasing us out of the kitchen for adding mystery ingredients without his permission. Home is running through the Imagination with Virgil by my side, battling monsters and exploring enchanted woods.” Remus began to run his fingers through his hair, his breathing becoming even quicker and more labored. “Home is movie nights that turn into debates as we argue over who the real villain was and how the movie should have ended. Home is Virgil coming to my room every night for me to take his nightmares away and help him fall back asleep, both of us curled up together under the covers.” Tears began to stream down his cheeks as he gripped locks of his hair in trembling fingers. _“This_ might be home for _you_ , but I _don’t_ belong here. I just want things to go back to normal.” He slumped over, defeated, his voice barely a choked whisper. _“I just want to go home.”_

I pulled Remus into my arms instinctively. He went stiff for a moment before melting into my arms, sobbing quietly into my shirt. “I’m sorry, kiddo. I’m so, so sorry. Just let it out. It’s okay. I’m right here. I’ve got you. I won’t let you go.”

For a few minutes, we just sat there, Remus clinging to me like I was his lifeline and me holding him close. As soon as his tears slowed and his breathing evened out, I let go, and to my surprise, he didn’t shove me away. Instead, he leaned against me and rested his head on my shoulder, the closest he had ever been to me. Smiling gently, I wrapped an arm around his torso and held him tight.

“‘M sorry,” he muttered into the collar of my shirt.

“There’s no need to apologize, Remus. It’s okay to feel bad. Your feelings are valid. I’m just sorry I didn’t see how much you were hurting.”

He hummed softly.

“You, Janus, and Virgil must have been really close, then.”

“Yeah, you could say that. Dee Dee was like a father to us. He was always there when one of us needed him. And Virgil-” His voice became choked again, and he swallowed hard. “Virgil was like a brother to me. After Roman abandoned me, I felt so… alone. Virgil was the only one who really understood. He was the only one who really cared about me. He’s the brother I always wished I had, and when he left, I felt so… broken.” He sniffled slightly, wiping his eyes with his shirt sleeve, and I felt my heart break once again. “I know it’s stupid, but-”

“No,” I said firmly. “It’s not stupid, kiddo. I understand. When you left, Roman felt the same way.”

“R-really?” He looked surprised.

“Really. He missed you so much, Remus. I know it might not seem like it, but he really loves you, kiddo.”

“H-huh. I-I never thought…”

Remus went silent for a moment, and I let him collect his thoughts before continuing.

“A-anyway, after Virgil left and joined the Lightside, he stopped having nightmares for a while. I was glad, ‘cause they really fucked with him and I didn’t want him to be in pain, but eventually they came back. He called for me, and I came. Even after everything that happened, I couldn’t just ignore him or avoid him like Jan did. I just… I couldn’t let him go through that alone, you know? I’m still hurt that he left, but if he ever needed me, I’d be there in a second’s notice. And now that I’m here, now that I’m ‘accepted’ and ‘wanted’ by Thomas… I don’t know. Everything’s just so different, and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t feel like I belong here, and I just… I just wish things were back the way they used to be, before any of this mess. I just want to go _home_.”

I held him tighter, planting a kiss on his forehead. “I know, kiddo. Things are different now, and it’s going to take some time to get used to it. But it’s going to be okay. I know you don’t feel like you belong in this famILY yet, but you will one day. It’s just going to take some time. And I promise that I’ll be right by your side every step of the way. We’ll all try a bit harder to make you feel at safe and loved here, and one day, you’ll call this place your home. I promise.”

“Thanks, Pat.”

“Of course, kiddo. I love you.”

“I… I love you too, Père.”

I couldn’t help the bright smile that came to my face at the nickname. _Père, french for father_ , I thought with a grin. _I love it._

Laying back in bed, I shifted until I found a comfortable position, feeling Remus crawl over and lay on the other side of me. Closing my eyes, I wrapped one arm around each of my dark, strange sons and smiled. It felt right, having Virgil curled up against me on one side and Remus sprawled out on the other. As I felt myself drift to sleep, tangled up in this cozy but chaotic pile, I promised myself once again that I would try harder to include Remus and Janus in our famILY and make them feel at home here. After all, everyone, no matter their past or background, was worthy of love, and I was sure I had enough room in my heart for two more. I just hoped the others did, too.


	7. Opinions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. This is a fact that has been around for centuries. So why shouldn't I be able to share mine? This chapter is going to contain my opinions on the series, on the characters, or on the fandom and fanfics that I have found while exploring the Sanders Sides universe. 
> 
> Please keep in mind that these are simply my opinions and you are welcome to disagree, and I welcome open and honest discussion in the comments as long as it does not get aggressive. Also, if you have any other topics that you would like my opinion on in relation to the series, leave your questions below, and I will make an "Opinions" chapter on it in the future! Thank you for reading!

Okay, this chapter's topic of discussion is one that has been on my mind a lot lately, and I figured this would be the perfect place to rant about it, so buckle up. This topic is relating specifically to the fandom, or at least, the fandom that I have found on this site, and the fanfics they write. This chapter is going to be about: Virgil Angst.

Alright, I know what you're probably thinking. "What about it? Is there something wrong with Virgil angst? What could you possibly have to say about it?" Well, I have a lot to say on the manner, so let's just do this numerically, shall we? Also, I would just like to note that there is no hate in anything I am writing. I will clarify this several times throughout this chapter, but I do not hate any of the fanfic writers here, nor am I looking down on them or judging them based on their writing. I just noticed a trend and wanted to start a conversation about it. That's _it._ No hate, no shame, no judgement. Please don't riot in the comments.

1\. There is way too much of it. Now, don't get me wrong, I can appreciate people enjoying and caring about his character so much that they want to write angst about him, but seriously, it's getting a little out of hand. It feels like every single angsty fanfic is about Virgil in some capacity. And that's fine! It's okay to enjoy writing angsty fanfic about everyone's favorite stormcloud. In fact, I will be writing some Virgil angst in this collection as well, although it may be a while until I get to it. However, when that is all anybody ever writes, it gets kinda boring, don't you think? I'm not saying to stop writing angst on Virgil, but maybe branch out a little bit? Try something new? There are plenty beautiful, amazing characters in this series to write angst on. Maybe write a little more about them in addition to the sea of Virgil-centric stories, okay?

2\. It almost always involves Roman to some capacity. I know why this is a thing. Roman was a jerk to Virgil in the beginning and a lot of people have latched onto that. However, it should be noted that none of the sides treated Virgil very nicely, and Thomas certainly wasn't helping either. Although Roman contributed some of the worst of it, it still doesn't mean you always have to make him the villain. He can be a genuinely sweet guy most of the time, and while he is a bit stupid sometimes (and know that I mean that will all of the love in the world when I say that) he is certainly not deserving of such an unsympathetic role. It's almost worse when they're in a relationship and people want to add in angst, because it almost always is caused by an argument that was blown way out of proportion that could be solved if they both calmed down and talked things through like rational adults. I get that arguments happen in relationship and that it is a realistic way to cause some drama, but could we make it a little bit more realistic? Unless otherwise specified, we can assume that in most stories, Roman and Virgil are grown adults. This means that they should be able to act as such. If they're going to have a stupid argument, at least let them acknowledge that it's stupid and try to resolve it without making things worse. I know some people really enjoy the argument trope in relationship angst fics, and I have nothing against it. I can respect it as long as it is done well. If it is not a genuine argument that actually feels realistic and not forced or blown out of proportion, it shouldn't be a relationship ender. That's all I'm trying to say.

3\. The third and biggest problem I have encountered is probably the one that bothers me the most. Can everybody please tell me what Virgil represents? Anxiety. That's right! Good job! He represents **anxiety**. Does he represent depression? No! Does he represent suicidal thoughts? No! Does he represent intrusive thoughts? No! (That's our beloved trash man who honestly doesn't get enough love [or angst]). He represents **anxiety**. However, in almost every single fanfic I've read, he appears to have all of the above problems combined into one angst-ridden ball of negative energy. Please remember that I am trying to be respectful. I am not trying to pick a fight with anyone. However, I need to make sure everyone understands that anxiety and depression aren't the same thing and that someone can have anxiety without having depression and vice versa. So, let's review. (Yes, that is a reference to Rhythm Redux).

Depression: A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

Anxiety: A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities.

While both of these disorders have a habit of interfering with daily life, they are not the same thing. As a person who has both and is still trying to figure out how to deal with them, I can tell you that there is a severe difference with how I feel with one as compared to the other. When I feel overly anxious, it is as if all my nerves are fried. I feel jittery, overly energetic, and afraid of literally everything. Anything and everything can put me on edge and it can be exhausting to deal with, as well as burn me out emotionally as a result. And while other people with anxiety can have different experiences, I feel like most of those things are pretty much across the board. In comparison, when I am depressed, I feel tired, apathetic, emotionally numb, completely lack any and all motivation, feel especially sad or empty, or just want to die. Again, my experiences may not represent everyone, but they likely cover a vast majority of people, as I doubt I am all that different from most. Anxiety is, in all honesty, a lot easier to deal with because you have a lot more avenues for dealing with it, such as breathing exercises, meditation, and medication. Medication might help with depression sometimes, but there aren't a whole lot of options when it comes to quick, easy solutions that don't require a prescription. There is a clear difference between the two, and I feel like a lot of people don't understand that.

Now, I'm not saying that you can't make Virgil have both anxiety and depression. You could give any of the Sanders Sides characters depression and use that as a plotline for a fanfic. You could give any of them any number of mental disorders and issues to deal with. There's nothing wrong with that. One of my personal favorite headcanons is that Janus is so busy serving as a therapist for the other sides that he doesn't take care of himself and therefore he ends up falling into seasons of intense depression. I know from personal experience that when I can't help myself through my issues, I focus on my friends and their problems so that I can at least do something for someone, and I feel like Jan would be the same way. All of that aside, there is nothing wrong with giving any of the sides depression, including Virgil. However, it is a different matter when literally every fanfic has him with depression.

I'm not kidding. About 90% of the fanfictions I have read on Virgil have involved him having depression. It's a little excessive, don't you think? And the writers romanticize depression so much that it just honestly isn't healthy, for the characters or the readers. From personal experience, I can say with certainty that they romanticize self-harm way too much. First of all, a person with depression will not necessarily self-harm. While someone with depression is more likely to self-harm than a person without the disorder, that does not mean that all people who are depressed feel the urge to hurt themselves. They also have the characters self-harm for the stupidest of reasons. There is _no_ good reason to ever hurt yourself, so don't do it, but as a person who has considered hurting myself several times, I can assure you that I don't feel more inclined to hurt myself because I had a bad day. I don't get the urge to hurt myself because a friend or partner hurt my feelings. In all honesty, a person with depression would be more likely to self-harm if they had a really good day. That is because when you have a really good day, but you still feel absolutely terrible, you start to wonder if you'll ever feel good again, or if this is it. "If you feel this bad on a _good_ day, how much worse could you feel on a _bad_ one? Will you ever feel happiness again? Can you even remember what it feels like? When is the last time you smiled? Laughed?" It is on those types of days, in my personal experience, that I have been more inclined to consider self-harm. Now, obviously all people are different, and others with depression might feel differently than I do. If anyone wants to share their experiences, the comments are open for discussion. Please, I'd like to keep this a no-judgement zone, so be respectful of others and their experiences. However, I feel it is pretty accurate to assume that most people would not necessarily be inclined to self-harm simply because someone said something that hurt their feelings. That ideation romanticizes the act of self-harm, and we should not be encouraging more people to go down that path. I have had several friends who have struggled with it, and believe me, it is not a path you would want to travel. _Ever._

The authors also tend to romanticize depression itself, which I don't get. There is nothing fun about feeling hollow all the time. It's painful, it's miserable, and it's a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone. There is nothing romantic about comforting someone with depression. There are no tearful embraces or dramatic reveals. There are no romantic acts of encouragement and positivity or heart wrenching final goodbyes. More often than not, depression is a silent battle of pretending you are fine when you're not, and hoping that the worst will pass with time. I don't openly tell people I'm depressed unless I trust them, and it's not some dramatic, shocking reveal. It's a quiet conversation in which the other person listens to what I have to say and promises to help me the best they can. I have never once broken down in another person's arms. Maybe that's just me, but as a person who has been struggling with depression for a while, I can't remember the last time I've cried. It just doesn't happen. Depression, for me, is more of a empty feeling than an abundance of emotions. As I said before, everyone is different, but I really doubt a whole bunch of people are eager to share teary-eyed embraces with their friends and loved ones when they feel like this. My friends don't plan huge acts of kindness and encouragement just because I feel bad. If anything, it's a simple text asking me how I'm doing, an occasional check-in to make sure I'm not dead and I haven't hurt myself. That's it. There's no cards or flowers, no food or romantic outing. Even when it comes to my partner, the most I get is a hug and someone to talk to when things are really bad. And honestly, that's all that I need. And as for suicide, that's a whole other issue.

Suicide is romanticized way too much as well. I know I've probably been guilty of this myself. In two of these fanfics, I have had characters commit suicide, and I'm sure they won't be the last ones. However, I do not write these stories for the express purpose of romanticizing these issues. I write them because they are a means of expressing what is going on in my head. They are an outlet for me that is a hell of a lot safer than the alternative, which is actually committing suicide. As someone who has been suicidal for several months straight, I know what it feels like to be on the edge of doing something I might regret, to be so emotionally done with everything that ending it seems like the only answer. When I wrote those fanfics, my intention was not to make suicide seem like a dramatic, heart-wrenching, romantic action. That is why in both instances, they _were_ too late. Too often, writers use suicide as a way to make the love interests come together in the end, as one love interest desperately tries to save the other before they breathe their last breath. Suicide isn't like that. Suicide is quick. Oftentimes you are too late, and there's nothing you can do about it. They were alive one moment, and the next they're gone. Suicide is painful. It can tear friends and families apart, turn the kindest of people into cold, emotionless robots. It is not romantic. It is tragic. It is a tragic event that should never happen and should never be considered carelessly, whether in real life or in fanfics like these. Suicide is silent. There is no chilling scream before silence. There is only silence. Usually, you won't even realize the other person is dead. You won't even realize what happened until hours, maybe even days, after the fact. Unless that person contacts you directly and lets you know what they're doing, you won't know. You might not even realize they were in pain until they're suddenly gone, and now all you're left with is a million regrets that you can never do anything about. Suicide is not a joke, and it shouldn't be treated as such. None of this stuff should be romanticized in any way, and if you find yourself doing this, you need to change something quick. So many people are dying, and romanticizing mental disorders, self-harm, and suicide, is only going to make things worse. Take a stand to end the cycle now by changing the way you view these things and talk about them.

Someone with anxiety is not very likely to resort to self-harm or suicide. There are so many other viable options to get relief, such as medication and therapy, that are far more effective, that it just doesn't feel realistic. Anxiety doesn't have the same impact as depression. I am not by any means saying that it makes less of an impact than depression, because that is not true. Anxiety can be extremely debilitating, and it is no joke. I simply mean that there is a different type of impact. Anxiety is more likely to make you want to live and keep yourself safe. It is about fear, and fear of dangers to yourself are usually high on that list. That is why it is unrealistic to have someone with anxiety self-harm or consider suicide. It is not impossible for a person with anxiety to feel this way, and I am not stating that as such, but it is not very likely considering the effect anxiety has on a person's nervous system. However, depression usually leads to people feeling hopeless, alone, and tired of living. They are far more likely to resort to self-harm as a coping mechanism, whether they use it to finally feel something again, or to stop feeling things. Suicide is seen as an out, and while not everyone with depression will consider suicide, it is far more likely to occur in them than in someone with anxiety.

There is also the fact that there is already a character that canonically has depression, or at least it is suggested that he does, and that is Patton. While it seemed more of a depressive episode (a single instance that a person feels depressed that is usually short lived and connects with a specific season of a person's life) than clinical depression (a constant feeling of depression that can come and go throughout a person's life), Patton is seen to have many of the symptoms of someone with depression, and he has been known to repress his feelings and pretend that he is alright when he is not. However, he does not appear to self-harm, nor does he seem suicidal, as is the case with many people that have depression. If any character were to be inclined to do these things, Patton would probably be at the top of the list (followed by Remus, as thoughts of self-harm and suicide are in fact intrusive thoughts and would likely affect him to some degree).

Again, the writer can create any AU that they wish, and they are allowed to give any number of characters mental illnesses and other issues that they have to deal with. However, I feel that in the case of Virgil his connection with depression, suicide, and self-harm, it is a dangerous connection to make as an author, and if not addressed with the understanding and care of someone who has genuinely experienced those feelings, it may be too romanticized and overdramatized to be a healthy representation for anyone, let alone youth. Please remember that as authors, it is our jobs to spread awareness to our readers and offer healthy representation of things that they may not understand. Romanticizing serious mental illness is not something that we should be inspired to do, and it should in fact be avoided at all costs.

And that's about it. That's all I really have to say. Again, I would like to remind you that I am saying all of this with the deepest respect for my fellow writers, as well as any and all readers bored enough or insane enough to read all of this. I do not mean to disrespect or call out anyone in regards to their writing practices. There is nothing inherently wrong with Virgil angst, and I have no problem with anyone who happens to write it. I enjoy Virgil angst as much as the next person and I respect all people who write it and read it to a high degree. This was simply my observations on the subject, as well as thoughts and feelings I have had in relation to these observations. That is all. I just wanted to share my thoughts with everyone. I hope you all have a great day/night. If you're reading this at anywhere from 12 to 4 in the morning, go to bed! I love all of you! Take care and keep an eye out for more one-shots to come in the future. Thank you for reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've shared my thoughts, now I want to hear yours! In the comments below, let me know where you stand on the issue. Do you see any problems with other Sanders Sides angst? What are your thoughts and feelings on Virgil angst? Feel free to start discussions in the comments below and I will participate as well. Please just remember to keep all discussions and debates respectful. Everyone's thoughts and opinions are valid. 
> 
> Also, feel free to ask my opinions on other topics in the Sanders Sides community, and your question may become the topic for the next "Opinions" chapter! Thank you for reading and I'll talk to you all soon. I love all of you! <3
> 
> ~Prison


	8. Clothes Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Angst. Whole lotta Intrulogical. Inspired by the song "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" by Ella Eyre (listen to it while reading if you'd like). Hurt & Comfort. Follows headcanon "What if Remus was Asexual?".
> 
>  **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
>  Anxiety, panic attack, discussion of asexuality, discussion of sex and sexual acts, abandonment issues, self deprivation, and self-esteem issues. Please stay safe if any of these topics are sensitive to you.

Rubbing my eyes, I leaned back in my chair and sighed. It was late, although I wasn’t sure the exact time, and I had been working on my latest project for hours now. My back ached and I desperately wanted to take a break, but I couldn’t let myself. Not yet. If I ever wanted Thomas to use one of my ideas, I had to work hard and create something amazing. I couldn’t afford breaks.

_Knock, knock, knock._

“Come in,” I called, interrupted halfway through with a yawn.

“Remus?”

I turned in my chair to see Logan in the doorway, a frown on his face and worry in his eyes.

“Hiya hot stuff,” I greeted before turning back around.

“Why are you still up? You realize it is already eleven o’clock and Thomas fell asleep almost two hours ago, correct?”

“I know.”

I could hear his footsteps pad across the plush carpet, stopping behind me. He rested his elbows on the back of the chair and I leaned back, closing my eyes and enjoying the feeling of his skin on mine. “What are you working on?” he asked, his breath warm on my neck, causing chills to run down my spine. _God, I love you, you nerd._

“A new project. It’s coming along quite well.”

He was silent for a moment, and I glanced down at the pile of papers scattered across my desk. It was chaos, but it was organized chaos. I knew exactly where everything was and what I was doing. Reaching over, I grabbed the paper with my brainstorm on it and passed it to Logan, who took it silently. As he read through it, I turned to my computer and continued typing up the information, revising and editing things as I went.

“This is a wonderful idea, love, but you need to get some rest.”

“I’m fine. I can stay up a half an hour longer.”

“You need to take a break. It’s not healthy to remain at a desk all day. When was the last time you ate?”

“Doesn’t matter,” I replied, brushing aside the worried glances being thrown my way. _I’m almost done. I can’t stop now._

I felt hands on my shoulders, roughly massaging the tension from my neck and back. Sighing softly in spite of myself, I melted under his fingertips, letting him scoop me up and carry me to bed. His arms were around me, holding me tight, and suddenly all the fight went right out of me. _Maybe a short break wouldn’t hurt,_ I mused, letting myself be cuddled close to his chest. _After all, I got a lot of work done today. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if I had to wait until tomorrow to finish it._

Logan’s lips were suddenly at my neck, and I gave a shuddering gasp, tilting my head back to let him trace kisses around my throat. He bit down gently and began to suck on my skin, and my breath caught. I closed my eyes and his lips made their way to my face. He kissed my eyelids, my nose, my cheeks, before finally making his way to my lips. His kiss was gentle, but I was feeling desperate. I kissed him hard, my tongue demanding entrance to his mouth, and he let me in. Our kisses grew deeper, more intense, more fiery. I didn’t know when it happened, but suddenly Logan was on top of me, kissing me until I could barely breathe, and I clung to him like he was my lifeline.

It had been so long since we had done this. So long since his lips had been on mine. So long since I had been held in his arms. So long since I had felt this loved, and wanted, and safe. I loved this. I loved it when Logan took control, when he made me feel small and weak and delicate, because at the same time, he made me feel treasured and beautiful and needed. I knew he needed this. He needed to feel in control, to feel like he had something in life that was purely his. I knew that, and I didn’t mind. I quite enjoyed it. I enjoyed knowing that I was his and he was mine and nothing but us and this moment mattered. And in that moment, it completely slipped my mind where we were and what was happening. All that mattered was his arms holding me and his lips on mine and our hearts beating in tandem together.

His hands began to explore my body, feeling along my chest and sides before making their way to my belt buckle. In an instant, I felt my heart stop. _No. God, no._ It was like having all the air forcibly ripped from my lungs. In an instant, I was gasping for air, black spots dancing in my vision as I felt my every nerve lit on fire. All of a sudden it was too much. Too much skin on my skin, too much fire in my lungs, too many thoughts in my head. _Too much. Too much. Too much. Nonononononononono. Get out of there. Get out of there. Get out of there._

In one desperate motion, I rolled out from under Logan and got to my feet. I was trembling so badly that I could barely stand, much less move, but somehow I managed. I reached the door to the Imagination and threw it open before darting inside and running as fast as I could. My feet pounding on the dirt path beneath me, I tried to outrun my thoughts, but they managed to catch up with me. _He hates you. He thinks you’re a freak. He’s hurt. You hurt him. You upset him. You selfish asshole! You should have just let him do it. You should have done it for him. You’re so pathetic. You can’t even have sex with the one person you love more than anything else in the world! What the hell is wrong with you? You broken, useless, pathetic piece of shit._

Tears began to streak down my cheeks and I choked back a sob, tripping and stumbling down the path, but never falling.

“No! You’re wrong!”

_Oh, you poor pathetic baby. Don’t you realize what you’ve just done? You’ve cost yourself your boyfriend, the only person who could even tolerate you and your shit. Now you’re alone. No one else could ever love someone like you. You messed up, and now you’re alone again, just like you’re supposed to me._

“No! He promised he’d never leave me! He promised he’d love me no matter what!” I cried.

_How could he love someone as broken as you? You can’t even have sex with him! You don’t deserve someone as amazing as him. He deserves so much better. He’ll leave you, and you’ll be all alone, because you can’t love him like you should. You worthless waste of space. You should have died years ago._

That was the final straw. My foot got caught on a root, and I went tumbling down to the hard, cold ground below. Coughing up grass and dirt, I managed to get to my hands and knees, wincing as I felt pain radiate all over my body. I didn’t think I’d broken anything, but I’d hit the ground rather hard. I could feel hot blood running down my leg and temple, but I ignored them. Instead, I shakily got to my feet, ignoring how my every bone ached and protested the movement, and stumbled down the path, finally reaching my destination.

Standing before me was a great oak tree resting on a hill, the bare branches reaching towards the ash-colored sky. Making my way up the barren hill, I flopped down on the ground wearily, leaning against the tree’s sturdy trunk and closing my eyes. I took a deep breath and tilted my head up to the sky before the tears finally escaped, streaming down my cheeks like twin waterfalls. Pulling my knees to my chest, I buried my head in my lap and tried to shut out the world.

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but after a while, I heard footsteps on the path. Shrinking in on myself, I hoped and prayed that whoever it was, they would just leave me alone, but it appeared that I truly didn’t have any luck today, because the person was approaching me just the same, stopping only a few feet from where I was sitting.

“...Remus…?” the voice said gently.

Glaring up at the figure with tear-stained eyes, I snapped. “Go away.”

Logan stared back at me, his face a mask of concern, regret, and sorrow. “Remus, please.”

“I know what you’re going to say. You don’t need to say it.” I buried my face in my lap, pulling my knees closer.

“What am I going to say?”

I wished I could vanish off the face of the earth. “You’re going to break up with me. Tell me ‘It isn’t you, it’s me’ or some bullshit like that and pretend I can’t see the truth. I’m too broken for you to love me. It’s as simple as that.”

Logan sounded horrified. “Remus, why would you ever think that?”

I glanced up at him, resting my chin on my knees. “Because it’s the truth,” I said smally.

“No, it’s not.” He knelt next to me, keeping his distance when I tensed up. “I would never break up with you. I love you too much for that. And you aren’t broken. Whatever happened, we can get through it together. Please, just tell me what’s wrong. Why did you run away?”

I shook my head. “You’ll hate me. You’ll break up with me. You’ll think I’m messed up, that there’s something wrong with me. I know you will.”

“I can assure you that I will not. I will accept you no matter what, you know that.”

“Do you promise?” I sniffled.

He crawled closer so that we were both leaning against the tree, about a foot separating us. “I promise.”

“O-okay. I haven’t told anyone this because I was afraid of what they might think, but I’m… I’m asexual.”

I glanced at Logan, expecting the worst, but he just nodded, so I continued.

“For most asexuals, the thought of sex simply has no appeal. They don’t experience sexual attraction, and that’s it. But I’m a sex-repulsed asexual. That means that the thought of having sex makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and even kind of… scared. When you reached for my belt, I panicked. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t think. All I knew was, I had to get out of there. So I did. I ran and ran until I couldn’t run anymore, because I was scared. Scared of what you might think, of what you might say. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I just… I can’t have sex. And I know that it’s weird. I’m probably the most sexual side out of all of us. But I just… it’s one thing to make a bunch of sex jokes and inappropriate comments, and it’s a whole other thing to have sex, and I can’t do it. I understand if that’s a dealbreaker for you. Sex is really important to most relationships, and if you don’t think you’ll be happy with me without it, I’d rather you just tell me now. I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing.”

I felt a hand on my shoulder and winced, but his touch was gentle and understanding. “Remus, look at me.”

Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to look him in the eye, and I was surprised to find tears in his beautiful, deep blue eyes. “Logan…”

“Nothing could ever make me love you any less. I promised that I would never leave you alone again, and I meant it. I admit, it does come as a surprise to me that you are asexual, but that doesn’t affect how I feel about you. If the thought of having sex makes you uncomfortable, we won’t have sex. I can understand and respect that. I’m just sorry that I didn’t realize sooner. You were always so adamant that we stay out of the bedroom for our make-out sessions, and now I understand why. I’m so sorry if I ever hurt you or pushed you out of your comfort zone at any time. I should have asked for consent and made sure you were okay with those sorts of things first, but I didn’t because I thought you would be okay with it, and that was wrong of me. I never should have assumed anything based on your previous actions or comments. I am so, so sorry.”

I laughed as a few tears trailed down my cheek, reaching over and falling into Logan’s arms. His fingers reached up to gently brush the tears away and press a kiss to my hair, and I buried my face in the crook of his neck. “You have nothing to apologize for,” I choked out. “I never gave you a reason to think twice. I should have told you outright that I was asexual. I was just… just so damn afraid. I thought if you knew the truth, you would lose interest in me, and I couldn’t bear to face another rejection. I’m sorry too. I should have been honest with you from the beginning.”

“It’s okay. I understand why you kept it a secret, although I hope you realize I would have been just as in love with you, even if you did tell me the truth right away. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could make me love you any less.”

Choking back a sob, I clung to him tight. “I love you,” I cried softly. “God, I love you so much. I love you so much.”

He held me close, gently rubbing circles into my back to help me calm down. “I love you too, Remus. I love you with all my heart. I’m never going to let you go. Never again, okay?”

“Thank you, Logan,” I murmured, and he brushed a kiss to my forehead before going stiff.

“What happened to you?” he asked worriedly, his fingers gently hovering over the wound at my temple.

“I fell. It’s okay, really. It doesn’t hurt that bad.”

“Liar.”

“Fine, you’re right. It hurts like hell. Can you… help me?”

He smiled softly. “Of course, love. Let’s get you back to your room. I’ll clean your wounds and patch you up and then we can talk about boundaries, okay? I want to know what you’re comfortable with and what is off limits so I don’t hurt you again.”

I hummed in agreement, a watery smile on my face.

Logan stood and reached down to help me up, hooking an arm around me to help support my weight when I faltered. As we walked back to my room, me leaning on him heavily and him doing his best to keep me in as little pain and discomfort as possible. I had a feeling that Lo’s mother-instincts were going to kick in like crazy, which meant that I was probably going to be confined to bed and smothered in cuddles and soup for the next couple of days. To be honest though, I didn’t really mind it. If it meant I got to spend more time with my beautiful, loving, accepting boyfriend, I would take any excuse I could get.

“Thank you,” I said suddenly.

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, his eyebrow raised curiously. There was a slight smile teasing at his lips, and I had never wanted to kiss him as much as I did in that moment. “For what?”

And so I did. Pressing my lips to his, I felt his arms circle my waist protectively as he held me close, his hand gently cupping my chin. This kiss wasn’t like the ones before. This one was gentle and sweet and pure. It was… beautiful. It felt wonderful, and special, and real, and I almost didn’t want to let go. When we finally pulled apart, his hands were still on my waist to keep me from putting too much weight on my injured leg. Smiling up at him, I said the only word I needed to. “Everything.”


	9. Smoke and Mirrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darkside Angst. Superhero AU. Ships include Royality, Loceit, and implied Dukexiety. Inspired by the song "Smoke and Mirrors" by Imagine Dragons (listen to it while reading if you'd like). 
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
>  Blood, violence, injuries, fighting, and torture. Please stay safe if any of these topics are sensitive to you.

I glanced up from my phone as I stepped off the city bus, taking in a breath of car exhaust and cigarette smoke. The hustle and bustle of people around me sounded like white noise compared to the music blasting through my headphones. Bobbing my head along to what Roman referred to as my ‘emo music’, I began to walk down the street, passing by apartments and skyscrapers taller than I could see. I pulled down my beanie as the bitterly cold sea breeze sent chills crawling up and down my spine. _Fuck. I knew I should have brought a heavier jacket._ Pulling my sleeves over my hands and ducking my head against the wind, I walked a little faster to try and warm myself up.

Glancing over at the pier, I only vaguely noticed the workers milling about the shipping warehouses located on the dock as my eyes were captured by the crashing waves in the distance and the blanket of grey clouds cloaking the sky’s natural blue. My gaze flickered up in time to see a huge crowd of people rushing away from one of the nearby warehouses, and my nerves were instantly on high alert.

Instinctively, I crouched down and began creeping up on the building, ducking behind one of the crates so that I could observe the situation clearer. The people, which appeared to be workers from the warehouse, were all walking in the same direction at a very fast pace. They didn’t seem to be scared. In fact, they didn’t appear to feel anything at all. Their faces were all completely blank masks, their eyes glazed over and almost… yellow in tint. I frowned. _That’s… odd._

As the workers walked away, disappearing further down the dock, I got to my feet and rushed over to the window. Kneeling there, I carefully positioned myself in the shadows before peeking in, hoping to see what had caused the workers to act so strangely. My mouth went dry when I realized that standing in the warehouse were Artifice and Chimera. _Fuck. Welp, I’m screwed._

Ducking out of view, I grasped my phone with shaking fingers, opening up the group chat. My mind was racing so fast that I struggled to think as I typed out a message and waited for it to send, my breath wheezing in my lungs and my heart pounding frantically in my chest.

_Stormcloud:_ guys. help. artifice and chimera. the pier. hurry.

_Princey:_ On my way!

_Popstar:_ Hang in there, Virge! It’ll be okay.

_MicrosoftNerd:_ Agreed. There is no need to panic. Everything will be resolved momentarily. We should arrive within the next few minutes. I suggest you prepare for a fight and wait in the shadows until then.

_Stormcloud:_ thanks guys. see you in a few.

Shoving my phone in my pocket, I sucked in a breath and tried to calm my racing heart, but it seemed pointless. My anxiety was already plowing ahead, threatening to consume me, and I knew that I needed to get it under control before I ended up getting myself killed. Reminding myself of the breathing exercises Logan had taught me, I peeked back up through the window, determined to figure out what those two maniacs were up to now. 

Artifice stood in the center of the room, his back to me. A shaft of light shined on him like a spotlight, cascading down his long black cape and causing a shadow to fall under the brim of his hat. His gloved fingers tapped on his snake-shaped staff as he hummed quietly to himself. He appeared to be waiting for something, although I wasn’t sure what. As he stood there, I found myself studying him closer, trying to read him based on his body language alone. _I have to figure out what he’s up to._

Artifice was tall and slim, although he was not, by any means, lanky. He was lean, muscular without seeming overly so, unlike his companion. The way he stood there, casually leaning on his staff while he waited, gave off an air of confidence, almost arrogance, but I could see the way his hands trembled as he reached up to adjust his hat. He was nervous. Something, or someone, had spooked him, and it was showing. I frowned. _That’s… odd. Artifice is never scared. He always seems so… indifferent to it all. Like he knows we aren’t even a threat. He’s not afraid of us showing up. He and Chimera always manage to best us and get away unscathed. So… what is he so afraid of? What changed since the last time we’ve fought?_

Blinking and shaking my head, I glanced around to find Chimera, only to realize I had no idea where he had gone. Chimera had been standing next to Artifice one second, and the next he had disappeared from view. _That’s strange. Where would he have gone? Usually he and Artifice are inseparable. Is he hiding in the shadows somewhere? Is he… is he behind me?_ Whirling around, I searched every nook and cranny, but Chimera was nowhere to be found. I breathed a silent sigh of relief, knowing that if he had snuck up on me, I wouldn’t stand a chance. The guy had nearly a hundred pounds on me and about three quarters of it was muscle. 

_Bang!_ A loud crash from the second floor answered my question for me. My eyes shot back to the warehouse, where Artifice was glancing up in a mix of annoyance and amusement. _Great. We’re going to have to chase down that idiotic meathead, then._

Ducking down, I snuck away from the warehouse and down an abandoned alleyway. As much as I hated the thought of leaving those two alone, I needed to change into my costume if I was going to be able to kick their asses. Closing my eyes, I gathered my power and manifested an illusion of a blank wall over me, cloaking me from sight. Then I took off my backpack and dug out the purple and black outfit Roman had made for me. Undressing as quickly as I could, I tossed my clothes on the ground before picking up the costume and suppressing a grimace. While it was far less horrific than the initial design he had shown me, the outfit was still far too garish and flashy for my taste. But, at least Roman had tried to make it more like me, with a hood to go over my head, a black ski mask to completely mask my identity, black fingerless gloves, and black combat boots to give it a little edgy flare. Did I really need spikes and skulls all over my outfit though?

Sighing and shaking my head slightly, I decided to ignore the fact that I was a walking, talking fashion disaster and instead focus on the task at hand. The others would be here any minute, and we needed to discover what Artifice and Chimera were up to and stop them before anyone got hurt.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash, followed by someone yelling. I frowned, recognizing the voice almost immediately. _Roman._ Dropping the illusion, I ran out of the alleyway and was met with the sight of my friends, all in their superhero attire, locked in an intense battle with the enemy. Roman and Logan were fighting against Chimera, Roman using his ability to summon weapon after weapon to use on the manic villain, while Logan used his telekinesis to throw random shit at him. Patton, on the other hand, just stood there, his eyes darting left and right and his hand on the bow and arrow at his side. I realized that he must be looking for Artifice, and instantly my guard was up.

Gathering up my power, I summoned a smokescreen of fog that billowed thickly over the street before making myself invisible to the naked eye. My twin daggers in hand, I crept through the fog, keeping my eyes peeled for the slimy snake in question. Something hammered into my back, causing me to fall on my knees, and I kicked out behind me before whirling around to my feet, smirking when I felt my foot connect with the torso of Artifice himself. He glared at me, his hand clutching his ribs and his eye glowing bright yellow, before he straightened and a mask of mild amusement replaced his obvious annoyance. I held my daggers aloft, crouched low in a fighting stance, before I realized something. _Artifice shouldn’t have been able to see me. I’m invisible right now. How the_ hell _did he see through my illusion?_

That thought left me a little shaken, but I was still prepared to dodge as Artifice swung his staff at me, ducking to avoid the blow before whipping around with my dagger pointed towards his chest. He quickly blocked it with his staff before flicking his wrist, sending one of my daggers flying. I watched it vanish into the mist with a frown before turning back to the snake, my single remaining dagger still firmly grasped in my hand. We circled each other like hunters after their prey, eyeing each other up for any signs of weakness. Artifice moved slowly, almost languidly, his movements smooth and assured as he twirled his staff lazily, a slight leer on his face as he watched me. I was tightly wound, body tense and hunched over, every movement slow and cautious. Glaring at him, I tried to study his face and find features that might help us decode who this villain was, but like always it was next to impossible. Artifice always bathed his face with makeup to appear snake-like, covering his features and masking his identity seamlessly. No amount of water Roman mustered had ever been enough to even slightly smudge the snake’s disguise, leaving me to wonder how on earth he managed to take it off himself when he wasn’t doing evil deeds. Surely he had a life outside of villainy, and I highly doubted that he just walked around with snake scales on his face in public.

Distantly, I heard the clash and shriek of metal meeting metal as my friends battled the wild, insane, reckless villain in green. There were curses, threats, and insults flying back and forth between Roman and Chimera rapid-fire as each attempted to overtake the other, all while Logan stood at a distance, hurling projectiles left and right. I wanted desperately to glance over and make sure they were okay, but I knew I couldn’t take my eyes off of Artifice for a second, lest he take that opportunity to strike me down once and for all. I didn’t think he had a blade or anything sharp enough to stab me with, but I didn’t doubt his ability to bash my head in if he were determined enough. As we circled each other slowly, our weapons outstretched and eyes locking intensely, I realized that at some point during our little scuffle, my illusion had fallen away, but I supposed it mattered little either way. Somehow the snake had been able to see through it anyway, so it wouldn’t do me any good.

Before either me or the dastardly villain were able to pounce on the other, an arrow went soaring through the air, aimed at Artifice’s leg in an attempt to cripple him. It happened so quickly that I barely had time to blink. One second the arrow was hurtling towards the back of his leg, his eyes focused on me and his expression mildly disinterested and yet somehow slightly amused all at the same time, and the next he turned on his heel, staff outstretched to deflect the arrow before it soared past him and pierced me instead.

I didn’t take a moment to think, instead acting on instinct. While he was still slightly off-balance and distracted, I lashed out at him with my dagger, dragging my blade across his face. He cried out, and in that instant, there was something almost… human in his voice. Usually when he spoke, which was very rarely, his voice was as smooth as honey and completely devoid of any real feeling or emotion, but that cry of pain held so much more in it. Fear. Shock. Surprise. Irritation. And almost a hint of… acceptance. But no matter how hard I listened, I didn’t hear an ounce of anger. _Strange._

He whirled around to face me, blood dripping from the deep cut that trailed from the corner of his mouth to his ear, and I blanched slightly at the look in his eyes. There was a feeling of hopelessness in his gaze, of a pain far deeper than the cut I had given him, and of overwhelming panic and fear, that it caused my mind to shut down in and instant. I blinked at him, lost in the empty voids that were his eyes, that when he jabbed his staff at my stomach, I didn’t even try to block his attack. Doubling over, I felt the air leave my lungs in a weak huff before his staff hooked my ankles, sweeping me off my feet. Falling backwards, I felt a pair of arms catch me before I managed to hit the cold, concrete ground below. Blinking back dark spots from my vision and sucking in a breath, I found my gaze meeting Patton’s, who gently helped me to my feet without a word. We both whirled around to where Artifice had stood, but the spot was empty, all that was left was a yellow card with the word ‘Sorry’ written in fancy black script. I bent down to pick it up and stuff it in my pocket, and Patton and I both turned to our companions.

Roman and Chimera were exchanging blows with their weapon of choice, that being the sword and the morningstar. They were moving so fast that it took all my remaining brainpower to even attempt to keep up. Patton seemed equally as lost, his bow hanging limply from his hand as he watched. There was no point in firing if he was just as likely to hit Roman as he was Chimera. Logan, however, appeared to have no qualms about that, throwing one piece of junk after another at the two battling men.

“Duck!” Logan yelled before chucking a cinder block at Chimera and Roman.

Roman ducked.

Chimera did not.

I watched as the green and black clad man went flying backwards, collapsing on the ground with a colorful slew of curses, half of them in a language I didn’t recognize. It seemed Roman did, however, as the young man instantly went pale and his blade fell from his hand. He approached Chimera quickly but cautiously, taking advantage of his dazed state to kneel down beside him and remove the huge monstrous mask that hid his face from us. Logan, Patton, and I walked closer, standing a good few feet away from the duo with our weapons drawn and ready in case Roman needed protecting, but Chimera didn’t even fight back, instead choosing to fix us all with an intense stare, and soon we were face to face with one of our greatest foes.

Roman’s breath caught as a young man of about the same age was revealed, his hair the same chestnut brown as Roman’s, but far messier and longer with green streaks running through it here and there, and his eyes a reflection of Roman’s, one green and the other red. I was quick to pick out their matching facial features, and even the similarities in their build and expressions. Chimera was glaring at us with the same determined stubbornness that Roman had demonstrated on several occasions, especially when he didn’t get his way, and there was an air of something foreign in the way he made a noise halfway between a snarl and a laugh, a shark-toothed grin stretching from cheek to cheek under the rather splendid mustache decorating his upper lip.

“Remus?” Roman breathed, his voice feather-light.

Chimera growled for real at this, backing away slightly, his teeth bared and his hands curled into fists.

“Brother…?” Roman reached out towards the villain, his hands outstretched in a warm, gentle, welcoming manner, his expression one of friendship, peace, and understanding.

“I have no brother,” Chimera spat.

Suddenly, a large demon of fire and charred rock appeared between Roman and Chimera, lashing out at him with flaming claws, and he cried out, summoning a shield to block the attack last minute. An instant later, the beast fell, turning to green dust as a golden arrow protruded from its chest. Patton stood, breath heaving in his chest and hands still positioned on his bow in a fighting stance, before he slowly lowered his shaking limbs and turned to Roman.

“Are you okay, kiddo?” he asked worriedly.

“Y-yeah,” he wheezed as Logan helped him to his feet. “I… I think so.”

“That’s all fine and dandy, but you do realize he got away, right?” I snapped.

Roman gazed down at his trembling hands, his voice small. “I can’t believe it.”

Patton stepped forward, his arms outstretched as if to place it on Roman’s shoulder, but he hesitated, shooting me a look of concern and confusion. I saw Logan slip off somewhere, muttering something to himself under his breath, and a part of me wanted to follow him, even if just to escape this awkward situation, but I stood my ground, focusing my attention on Roman and the task at hand.

My voice softened slightly. “Can’t believe what, Ro?” I asked gently.

“It… it was him. This whole time, I’ve been fighting Remus, and I didn’t even realize it. How could I not know? I should have been able to recognize his voice. I should have known it was him by his movements, by his ability, by his fighting style. I should have known. But I didn’t.”

He raised his head to reveal tear stained cheeks, his eyes large, red-rimmed, and wet from crying. Patton made a noise of concern and wrapped his arms around Roman in a gentle, comforting embrace. Roman melted into his embrace, and I could see how badly he was shaking as he clung to Pat desperately.

“H-How?” he choked out. “How could I not recognize _my own brother?”_

“Hey, it’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. I’m right here, Roman. It’s going to be okay,” Patton soothed.

“Can you breathe for me, Ro?” I asked, approaching them carefully and making sure he met my eyes.

He nodded, sucking in a few breaths and trying to calm down.

“You’re doing great. Just keep breathing. Pat’s right, you’re going to be okay. Everything’s going to be fine.”

After a moment, he pulled back and wiped his eyes, managing a watery smile. He took Patton’s hand and gave it a little squeeze. “Thank you.”

Pat’s cheeks held a light blush as he squeezed his hand back. “Anytime. You feeling any better, kiddo?”

“Yeah, I’m okay now. It was just… a lot to process at once. It’s just… it’s crazy to think that for the past few months we’ve been battling against Remus this whole time, and I had no idea. I just don’t understand how I was so stupid to not recognize my own brother.”

“Maybe there was some sort of illusion over him that prevented you from recognizing you. Artifice might be behind it or something,” I suggested. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, you are stupid, but you’re not _that_ stupid. There must be something more to it than what we know. Don’t stress about it too much, Princey.”

“You- you’re right, Virge. There must be some sort of dark sorcery behind this. I mean, have you met Remus? It’s impossible _not_ to recognize him. I doubt any of us would be that blind to not realize it was him without something more behind it,” Roman agreed.

“I believe you are right,” replied a voice from behind us, and we all jumped to see Logan standing there, a thoughtful expression on his face.

“Logie!” Patton exclaimed, his hand over his chest. “You scared me, kiddo. When did you get here?”

“Only a moment ago. But that is besides the point. I have reason to believe that Virgil is right. I do think that Artifice was behind Remus’s impregnable disguise.”

Roman raised an eyebrow. “Really, specs? Care to share with the class?”

Logan ignored him. “While Roman was having a mental breakdown, I went out in search of the workers who had been at the warehouse prior to the incident and was able to discuss the circumstances with them. When talking with them, they all said that they had been heavily persuaded to leave the warehouse quickly and quietly by a honey-thick voice inside their head. Many had even described it to a feeling similar to how one would imagine mind control feeling, as they had little control over their bodies during the event, and they could not choose whether or not to obey. Obviously, the ‘honey-thick voice’ was Artifice, and if what they were saying is true, and Artifice is truly capable of mind control-”

“Then he could have done the same with us,” I finished for him, my mind racing. “If he is able to mind control people, he would have been more than capable of forcing us all to turn around and walk home, letting them finish their evil scheme in peace. Or he could have even forced us to turn on each other, hurting or killing each other while under this trance. But… he didn’t. He’s never tried to control any of us. I think we would have noticed if he had.”

We were all silent of a moment as this sunk in.

“Remus was acting weird too,” Roman offered softly. “He was almost… going easy on us? I mean, we may be twins, but he is by far the better fighter when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. He’s kicked my ass more times than I can count without even breaking a sweat. I have no doubt he could have defeated us all if he really wanted to. He certainly wasn’t giving it his all, which is… odd. Ree’s never held back before.”

“What does this all mean?” I asked, feeling frustrated and confused. “What were they even trying to achieve by breaking into that warehouse in the first place? What are their motives? And if they _can_ defeat us all so easily, why didn’t they? Why did they hold back? It makes no sense! What are they trying to gain from doing this?!”

“We don’t know, kiddo,” Patton said softly, “but we’re going to find out. I know it’s hard not knowing all the facts, but at least now we have an idea of what we’re dealing with. We know a lot more now than we did going into this fight, and that’s all that matters.”

“I agree, Patton. While we may not have all the answers at the moment, I have no doubt that this mystery will only continue unraveling the more we interact with Artifice and Chimera. We will discover their motives and put an end to their shenanigans soon, but until then, I suggest that we head home and rest. Roman, I believe you have some wounds that need to be addressed, and Virgil, I would like to look you over and make sure you have not sustained any more serious injuries as well.”

“But-” I began to protest.

“No buts, kiddo,” Patton said firmly. “Artifice and Chimera are gone. We don’t know where they went. There’s nothing more we can do here. We might as well head home and regroup. We won’t be doing anyone any good by wearing ourselves down to the bone for nothing. Now, c’mon. I’ll make us all cookies and hot chocolate and we can sit in the living room and brainstorm for the future. Does that sound good?”

“Fine,” I muttered.

“Satisfactory.

“That’s a great idea, Pat!” Roman proclaimed.

Patton’s cheeks flushed light pink. “T-thanks, Ro.”

Roman wrapped an arm around Pattons’s shoulder, drawing a flustered squeak from the poor man, and he began to ramble on about a movie he’d watched recently. Logan and I trailed behind them, me with my hands shoved in my pockets and one earbud stuffed in my ear, and Logan on his phone. We both looked up at the duo ahead of us, exchanging a glance. I made a kissy face and Logan snorted, rolling his eyes and turning his attention back to his phone. We walked silently for a moment, our friends’ idle chatter fading into the distance.

“Who you texting? Your boyfriend?” I asked.

“First of all, the correct phrasing is ‘Who are you texting?’ and second of all, he is not my boyfriend.”

I smirked, noting how the tips of Logan’s ears turned pink. “Sure. Anyway, whatcha texting Janus about?”

“I simply wanted to know if he wished to study with me later this week for our upcoming exam.”

“Oooooh. A date? Will there be food there? Should you bring a gift? What are you going to wear? Roman and I could help you pick out an outfit. You really need to branch out from your usual button up and jeans, Lo. No offense, but it makes you seem even nerdier than you already are.”

“I already told you, it is not a date, and I could care less about your opinion of me. Nerdy or not, my outfits are more than acceptable, and I have no intentions of changing myself for anyone. Now if you would kindly shut up, I would greatly appreciate it,” he snapped.

I could see the fire flaring in his eyes and knew that it was probably best I drop it now before he ripped my head off. Still, I couldn’t help but smirk at the light blush dusting his cheeks. _Whatever you say, Lo._

We walked in silence the rest of the way home, our superhero outfits covered up by our coats. As we strolled down the street and to the bus stop, I was only faintly aware of the music playing in my ears over the sound of all my thoughts swirling around in my head. Never before had I been so puzzled as I was right now. A million questions filled my mind as pieces of today’s events played in my head. I played the scenes over and over, hoping and praying to find answers in the broken pieces that would help me calm my troubled mind, but it seemed hopeless. I had no idea what was going on or why Chimera and Artifice did what they did, but I was determined to find out. I had never asked to be a superhero, but now that I was, I wasn’t going to give up until the city was safe. I wasn’t going to fail these people, who relied on all of us to keep them safe. I was going to get to the bottom of this and stop those villains before they caused any more damage or chaos than they already had. I wasn’t going to let anyone else get hurt on my watch, not while I still had breath in my lungs and a fire in my heart. I would not fail.

Chimera scrambled into the cave, his legs nearly giving out beneath him as he tripped and stumbled, but managed to close the entrance behind him with a loud _thud._ Leaning against the wall, he struggled to catch his breath, his forehead hot against the cool rock wall. Sucking air greedily into his lungs, he tried to ignore the aches and pains that screamed at him every time he so much as moved. He had managed to avoid a majority of the attacks being thrown at him, but that cinder block had hurt, damn it. Turning, he gazed into the inky blackness, feeling his way down the hall and into the first chamber, a large, open space dimly lit by a few scattered candles. Chimera froze when he heard soft sobbing, and quickly rushed to the side of the small figure knelt on the ground.

“Jan?” he whispered, placing a hand on the man’s trembling shoulder.

“R-Remus,” he choked. “M-my face. It… it hurts, Ree. It hurts so bad.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, Jan. It’s… it’s gonna be okay. Just hold still, okay? This might sting a little.”

Remus waved a hand and in an instant, there was a bucket of warm water and a cloth by his side. He gently took Janus’s face in his hands, examining the large gash that cut across his cheek, his snake scales already gone without a trace. Soaking the cloth in the water, Remus began gently washing the cut, and Janus sat still, barely making a noise in spite of the pain he must have felt. After the wound had been washed, disinfected, and bandaged up, Remus snapped his fingers and his glittery, grandiose, slightly sexual top disappeared, while his hole-ridden leather pants were quickly replaced by shorts. He allowed Janus to fuss over him, cleaning up the numerous cuts and bruises he had all over his body and scolding him for taunting Roman so much. Remus knew that Janus was overreacting a little, but he didn’t say anything. He had a feeling that focusing on Remus was the only way that the poor man was able to distract himself from his own pain. He didn’t blame him.

Once all his injuries had been addressed, they both sat back in silence. Remus sat with his back to the wall and allowed his eyes to travel all over the cave, studying the way the shadows seemed to move and dance with a life of their own. Janus sat nearby with his knees tucked into his chest, staring into the fire of the candlelight with a numb, hollowed out look in his eye. In spite of himself, Remus glanced at his companion, concern building in his chest, but he said nothing. In times like this, he thought that Jan seemed almost childlike. It was a funny thought, as Janus was several years older than him, but it was true. Maybe it was the way he had his knees tucked in ever so tightly against his chest, or the way his chin rested on his knees. Maybe it was the almost… innocent look on his face, as if he was lost in his own world. Remus didn’t know, but he found it amusing and worrying in equal measures.

“Jan?”

His eyes flickered up to Remus. “Yes?”

“What next?”

A shiver crawled up Janus’s spine, causing him to curl in on himself tighter. “I don’t know. He hasn’t told us what our next step was yet. I have no idea what he has planned.”

“I hate this.”

Janus offered a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I know.”

“Why do we have to do this? Why do we have to fight them? Why do we have to hurt them? They’ve done nothing wrong! They’re just trying to help people! They didn’t ask for this! They didn’t ask for any of this!”

He placed a hand on Remus’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s going to be okay.”

Remus shrugged his hand away. “No, it’s not. You know it’s not. We’re just pawns to him, toys that he can play with until we’ve outlived our use, and then we’ll be discarded, and then what? We’re dead. And what happens to them? What will he have us do to them? Will he have us kill them? I can’t kill them, Jan. Not Roman, not Logan or Patton, and not Virgil. They didn’t do anything wrong. They’re innocent. I can’t let them die, Jan. I just can’t. I don’t want to hurt them anymore.”

“I know. I understand, Ree. Do you think I want to do this? It kills me to hurt them. Virgil’s my best friend, and Logan…” Janus trailed off, a light blush coloring his cheeks. “Well, I couldn’t bear to let any of them get hurt. You’re right, they don’t deserve this. But we have to keep doing this. We have to play the part we were made for. We have to keep up this charade. The only reason those idiots are safe is because we’re the ones fighting them. We can show them restraint, limit their injuries, control the battle. We can keep them from getting hurt. If he discovers that we’re going easy on them, he might insist on fighting them himself. If he does, they’re as good as dead. We have to keep pretending that we’re fighting them with all we’ve got, and make him think that we’re loyal to a fault, or else he’ll kill us and go after them. We can’t let that happen. We’re the only ones standing between them and total annihilation. We can’t give up now. We can’t fail them.”

Remus sniffled slightly. “I-I know. You’re right, Jan. I know you’re right. It’s just… it’s so hard. I’m just so scared that he’ll find out. If he does…” He shivered, feeling a sick sort of swirling in his stomach. “we’ll be so fucked. We’ll be dead men walking. I don’t want to die, Jan. I don’t want to die, I don’t want you to die, I don’t want anyone to die. We can’t let him know. We can’t fail.”

Janus opened his mouth to reply, but the only thing that escaped his lips was a silent scream as his own hands wrapped around his throat, squeezing tight. Waves of agony crashed through his body, leaving him crumpled on the floor, unable to do anything but wrap his arms around himself and cry. Remus reached out to Janus, attempting to help, but then he felt a flare of pain deep in his gut, as if someone had cut open his stomach and was ripping out his organs one by one. He collapsed, screaming and shrieking as his body arched in anguish and the pain filled his whole body, leaving him sobbing and begging for mercy. Unmoved by the excruciating pain they were in, a pair of glowing orange eyes watched from the shadows, seemingly amused by their suffering.

A voice, deep and rough to the ears, echoed inside the cave, filling their ears and silencing their cries at the very sound. “ **You boys are in big trouble.** ”


	10. I'll Be There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Familial Intruality Sick Fic. Creativitwin Hurt & Comfort. Inspired by the song "Count On Me" by Bruno Mars (listen to it while reading if you'd like). Mostly fluff.
> 
>  **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
>  Sickness? That's really it. I mean, if you're sensitive to the mention of veins and stuff, you might wanna be careful, but there's nothing bad in here really
> 
> **CONTINUATION OF Chapter 6: "One Big Family"!!!!! ******

“Have you seen Remus?”

Logan blinked at me, caught off-guard. “No, I do not believe I have. Why do you ask?”

I bit my lip. “I just… I haven’t seen him all morning. I’m getting a little worried.”

“You know Remus,” he said dismissively. “He is highly unpredictable. It is not unlike him to miss a meal or two.”

“He’s never missed breakfast before,” I murmured softly, playing with the sleeves of the hoodie tied around my shoulders.

Logan sighed. “Patton, if you are that concerned with it, you should talk to Janus. He is more likely to know where Remus is than I am.”

My face instantly lit up. “You’re right! Thanks Logie!”

He shook his head before turning back to the book in his lap. “Yes, yes. Now, can you please, just let me read in peace?”

“Sure!”

Leaping off the arm of the sofa, I rushed up the stairs, nearly tripping on my way up. Hurrying past the doors of Logan, Roman, and Virgil’s rooms, I found myself standing in front of Janus’s door, the dark oak wood elaborately carved with a variety of symbols and letters that I didn’t recognize. As my fingers rested on the cool brass doorknob, I felt myself grin slightly. _It’s funny. A few months ago, the thought of going anywhere_ near _Janus’s room would have never crossed my mind in a million years. Now, I go here almost every day just to visit and talk with him. How the times have changed._

Opening the door, I peeked in to find Janus sitting in an armchair near the fireplace, humming softly to himself, a snake wrapped around his shoulders that he would pet with his gloved hands every now and then. When he heard the door open, he glanced over and offered me a cheerful smile, turning to face me.

“Patton,” he greeted. “To what do I owe the pleasure? Is it time for afternoon tea already?”

“I’m afraid not,” I replied, offering him a sheepish smile. “Actually, I was wondering if you knew where Remus was. I haven’t seen him all morning and I’m a bit worried about him.”

Dee hummed thoughtfully. “Have you checked his room?”

“I knocked on it, but he didn’t answer. I…” I bit my lip, “I don’t really think it’s right to walk in on him without his permission. I’ve just started to earn his trust, and I don’t want to break it, you know?”

“I see.” Janus seemed deep in thought. “You do not wish to cross a barrier without knowing if it is alright. Luckily for you, I happen to know someone who has no such qualms.”

“It’s time to wake up, bitch,” Virgil announced as he flung the door open.

I winced as the door proceeded to slam against the wall, peeking out around from over his shoulder into the room of my newest dark strange son. It… wasn’t what I had been expecting in the least. It was a rather ordinary looking bedroom, the usual bed, desk, dresser, closet, etc that most rooms had. One of the most unusual things in the room was the wall of weapons that stood opposite of his bed, but Roman had one almost identical, so even that wasn’t too odd. There appeared to be an obvious color scheme of black and green, which was to be expected, and while the room wasn’t exactly neat and tidy, it was definitely leaning towards the lines of organized chaos, which was more than I could say for my mess of a room. Stepping out from behind Virgil, I scanned the room once more, looking for any obvious red flags that suggested what condition Remus might’ve been in. As I looked, I couldn’t help but be relieved that there were no obvious sex toys lying about, nor were there any organs or gory imagery, which was rather odd. I supposed that after all I had heard Remus talk about, I had been expecting something much worse, but his room was honestly quite pleasant.

“Remus?” I called. “Are you here?”

There was a soft groan from under the covers, and I caught a glimpse of a small figure huddled there. “Remus?”

“Welp, I think that’s my cue to leave. Good luck, Pops,” Virgil said, offering me a two fingered salute before walking out the door, closing it softly behind him.

I let out a breath, shaking off any last reservations and anxious feelings before cautiously approaching the bed, not sure what to expect. Amid the collection of pillows adorning his bed, I could see a Remus-sized lump under the covers, curled up so tightly that he himself almost resembled a pillow. I sat on the edge of the bed, watching to see if he flinched at my presence, but he didn’t move.

“Remus?” I asked softly. “Are you okay?”

“Leave me alone,” came a muffled reply.

“What’s wrong? Is everything alright?”

“Why do you care?”

“I didn’t see you at breakfast. I got worried.”

There was a slight shift under the covers. “You noticed?”

“Of course. The Remus I know would never pass up a meal, especially when it meant grossing out his brother with his wacky food combinations and starting impromptu food fights with Virgil across the table,” I smiled, a laugh catching in my throat.

He didn’t respond.

“Remus, please, tell me what’s wrong. I want to help you.”

“‘M fine, honest,” he grumbled.

“I know I can be pretty gullible, but you’re gonna have to try harder than that if you want to convince me, kiddo. I’ve lived with Janus long enough to know a lie when I hear one.”

He mumbled something under his breath that I couldn’t quite catch.

“Is it okay if I move the covers?”

“Whatever.”

Reaching up, I pulled the covers back to reveal Remus curled up in a ball, his face pale, cheeks flushed, and sweat gathering at his temple. Frowning, I put a hand to his forehead, pulling back in surprise when I felt the heat radiating off of him.

“Remus, are you sick?”

“No shit, Sherlock,” he snapped.

“Kiddo, you’re burning up!” My mind began to race. “Okay, what are your symptoms? Do you feel nauseous at all?”

“No. I just… everything hurts. My head, my stomach, everything. And the room won’t stop spinning.”

“So you haven’t thrown up at all?”

“No, I-” a groan cut off his reply as he curled in on himself tighter. “God, it hurts. It hurts so bad, Père.”

“I know. I’m so sorry, kiddo,” I murmured, brushing his hair from his face. “It’s gonna be okay. I’m going to get you some medicine, okay? It sounds like a stomach bug. It’ll pass in a few days. Until then, I’m gonna make sure you feel better, okay Ree?”

“‘K-kay, Pat.”

“I’m going to get your medicine and find something for you to eat. I’ll be right back.”

He nodded, then whimpered. “Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow.”

“Shhh.” I pressed a kiss to his forehead. “It’s gonna be okay, kiddo. I’ll make it all better, I promise.”

“Mhm.”

Getting to my feet, I left the room and walked back downstairs to the kitchen. Logan was sitting at the kitchen table on his laptop, his eyes glued to the screen. Not wanting to disturb him, I didn’t say a word, instead opening the fridge and pulling out some leftover soup we had eaten earlier that week. _Something nice and warm, easy on his stomach but still tasty. Perfect._ Ladling the soup into a bowl, I stuck it in the microwave before pulling out the toaster and sticking a few slices of bread in. As I leaned against the counter top, waiting for the toast to finish, Logan glanced up at me.

“Patton,” he greeted. “Did you find Remus?”

“Yeah. Poor guy has a pretty nasty stomach bug, so I’m fixing him up some soup to help him feel better.”

“A stomach bug? I was unaware we could get sick.”

I frowned. “Lo, you got sick only about a month ago with the flu.”

He blinked for a moment. “You… would be correct. I must have forgotten. Forgive me.”

Reaching over, I closed his laptop with a decisive _click_. “I think that a break from the computer screen could do you some good,” I said, my voice making it clear that I meant it as more than a friendly suggestion.

He sighed. “I suppose you are right. I just have so much work to do.”

“You’re two months ahead of schedule, you’ll survive.”

Logan made a face and I hid a smirk. “I suppose,” he muttered.

Turning around, I opened the medical cabinet, pulling out the basket of medicine and rooting through the pill bottles. I pulled out several different bottles, trying to figure out what would be the best to give Remus, but they all sounded so similar and I had no idea which to use.

“Hey Lo, what medicine would you recommend to help with a headache and pretty nasty stomach cramps?” I asked.

“The best thing to do is give him Tylenol and plenty of fluids. That and rest is all you can really do for him.”

Digging through the bottles, I found the Tylenol and flashing a triumphant smile. “Thanks Lo!”

“Of course. Do you wish me to inform the others of Remus’s illness?”

I thought about it before shrugging. “I mean, Remus probably doesn’t want anyone to know, but you can tell them if you want. Either way, he’ll have me taking care of him until he feels better. If anyone needs me, send them to his room and I’ll help the best I can. Now, I gotta go, Thanks again Logie.”

Setting out a tray, I placed the soup, two slices of toast, a large glass of water, and two tablets of Tylenol before heading upstairs to Remus’s room. Placing the tray on his nightstand, I turned on the small lamp sitting there, feeling bad when Remus flinched and moaned. I helped him sit up before placing the tablets and the glass of water in his hand, and he took the pills gratefully before flopping back in bed, arm flung over his eyes. I sat next to him, watching and waiting to see what he wanted next. After a few minutes he sat back up and glanced my way.

“So… what did you bring?” he asked, glancing at the tray curiously.

“Soup and toast. I figured it would be something that was easy to digest, and I’ve always heard that soup was the best remedy for sickness.”

“Sounds amazing,” he grinned wearily. “Can I have it now?”

“Of course.”

I placed the tray in his lap, watching in relief as he ate. He still looked really pale, the flush on his cheeks so red the skin looked burnt. There were dark circles lining Remus’s bloodshot eyes and I could see the veins under his skin. He looked incredibly frail, which was so unlike Remus that it caught me off-guard. Chewing the inside of my cheek, I tried to think of what else I could do to help. _A cold washcloth would probably feel good on his forehead. It might help ease his temperature a little._ He shivered violently, curling in on himself as he finished up the last of his soup. _And a couple extra blankets to keep him warm,_ I added.

Setting the tray aside, I stood and walked towards the door to get the towel and blankets. _I don’t know if I remember where I put all the spare blankets. We haven’t used them since our last pillow fort, and that was months ago. We should really do one soon- Ugh, that’s not important right now Pat. Focus. Right, the blankets. I’m sure I can find them. It just might take me a minute._

“Wait!” Remus called.

Surprised, I turned around, fixing him with a worried stare. “Are you alright, Remus?”

“Please… please don’t leave,” he begged. “I… I don’t wanna be alone. Please.”

I blinked at him for a second before a smile blossomed on my face. “I’ll be right back, kiddo. I promise. I’m just getting you some more blankets and a cold towel for your head. I’m not going anywhere. When I come back, we can lay in bed and cuddle all day long.”

“You promise?” he asked, his voice sounding so small.

“Of course. I pinky promise,” I assured him.

“Good. If you break your promise, I'll break your pinky.”

I laughed. “Sounds like a fair trade. Okay, kiddo. I’ll be right back.”

“‘Kay. Père?”

“Yes, kiddo?”

“Thank you.”

I felt my heart swell. “Anytime, Remus.”

When I returned a few minutes later, blankets and cold towel in hand, Remus was lying back in bed, his eyes closed and his breathing the most relaxed it had been all day. Smiling softly, I pulled the covers up to his chin and then put a layer of blankets over him to keep him warm, pressing the towel to his forehead, I was relieved to feel that his temperature was a bit cooler than it had been before, although it was still far too warm. I was about to reach for one of the chairs he had sitting against the wall when I felt a hand grip my wrist. Glancing over, I saw Remus squinting at me, his eyes slightly glassy and his grip weak. Still, he managed to glower at me.

“You promised,” he mumbled.

I smiled. “That I did. Sorry, kiddo. I thought you were asleep and I didn’t want to disturb you. I can-”

“Just shut up and cuddle me.”

I laughed. “Alright.”

Climbing into bed next to Remus, I pulled him close, wrapping my arms around his torso and holding him. He laid his head on his chest, his face nuzzled into my neck, and I ran my fingers through his hair as he quickly drifted off to sleep. I, too, felt sleep calling my name, and I let my eyes slip shut. When I opened them next, there was a shaft of light hurting my eyes and a soft voice whispering Remus’s name. Blinking away my exhaustion, I managed to make out Roman’s silhouette in the doorway, his body language suggesting he was extremely uncomfortable, frightened, and concerned. Sitting up, I yawned and rubbed away the sleep from my eyes.

“Roman? What’s wrong buddy?”

“I just… is Remus okay? I heard he was sick, and I… I just wanted to make sure he was alright, and-” he stammered.

“Ro,” I said softly, and he stopped rambling. “C’mere.”

He hesitated, and I patted the space beside me in bed encouragingly. Roman stepped inside, closing the door behind him and hesitantly sitting on the edge of the bed next to me. We both gazed down at the sleeping boy before us, Remus’s pale, translucent skin and flushed face buried in the pillow resting in my lap. Roman took in the dark circles and the veins visible just below his skin and frowned worriedly.

“Is he okay?” he asked.

“He’ll be okay. It’s just a stomach bug. It looks a lot worse than it is. He’ll be okay, kiddo. I promise.”

He chewed the inside of his cheek, seemingly unconvinced. “Are you sure? I just… I’ve never seen him this…”

“Vulnerable? It’s a bit scary at first, but believe me when I say he’s still mostly his usual wild self.” I laughed slightly. “If it makes you feel any better, he’s already threatened to break my pinky. That’s how I know he’ll be okay.”

Roman smiled. “That does sound like him.” He reached over and timidly brushed the hair out of his brother’s face, a strange look in his eyes. “I’ve never seen him so peaceful. It’s… peculiar.”

“I seem to recall a certain someone saying that they wished they could give Remus a sedative every once in a while,” I replied sagely.

He shook his head. “I thought I’d like it better if he were a bit calmer, but… I don’t like this. It’s just… it’s not Remus, you know?”

“It might be more Remus than you realize,” I murmured.

“What do you mean?”

“When’s the last time you really spent time with your brother, Roman? Just the two of you, no one else around.”

He bit his lip. “I… I can’t remember.”

“He’s changed a lot since he was accepted, Ro. He’s really trying to be better. The least we can do is return the favor. He really misses you, you know.”

“I do know. I… I miss him too, truth be told. I just… I never know what to say to him. How can I even come close to apologizing for all that I’ve done to him? I left him, Padre. Abandoned him when he needed me most. How can he forgive that?”

“I think you’d be surprised,” I said. “I’ve found that Remus is a very forgiving person. And you don’t have to say anything. Don’t tell him how sorry you are. Show him how sorry you are. Be there for him and show him how much you want him in your life. He’s never going to be the one to make the first move, Ro. He’s too scared that you hate him to say anything. You need to be the one to come to him. Show him how much you love him, and spend every day proving it until he actually believes you.”

“You’re right, Patton,” Roman said softly. “I need to show him how much I love him. I can’t keep putting it off for another day. He’s my brother, my twin, and I love him more than anything. It’s about time he knew that.”

I ruffled his hair. “I’m glad you think so too. Now, would you care to join us?”

He raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “What exactly am I joining?”

“Cuddle party?”

Roman smiled broadly. “Well, who could say no to that.”

When I opened my eyes, I found myself being cuddled on either side by two pairs of strong, loving arms. Blinking in surprise, I found myself staring at the sleeping form of Patton, who I had been expecting to be there, before glancing over my shoulder to find my brother hugging me from the other side out of all people. I met his calm, reassuring gaze with my shocked, speechless one. Staring at him, I kept opening and closing my mouth in search of words, but he beat me to it.

“Hey, Remus,” he said softly.

I bit the inside of my cheek to see if I was dreaming, but the bloody taste in my mouth told me that this was very much real. “H-hi?”

“How are you feeling?”

I rolled over to face him, taking inventory of myself as I did so. “Not great,” I replied, wincing as my head began pounding again and my stomach ached in response. “I think my meds wore off.”

“I can go get you some more,” he offered, beginning to sit up.

“No!” I cried, grabbing him by his sash and pulling him back onto the bed. He blinked at me, surprised, and I flushed slightly in embarrassment at my outburst. “I just… please don’t go. I… I don’t know why you’re being so nice to me, but if this is a dream, I don’t want it to end. Please, stay with me. I… I miss you, Roman.” A few wayward tears made their way down my cheek, and Roman reached up to brush them away.

“I miss you too, Remus. I’ve missed you since the day you left. I never should have left you go alone, and I’ve regretted it every day since. And I promise this isn’t a dream. I’m here. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I love you, Remus. I’m not going to leave you alone ever again.”

I let out a choked laugh, burying my face in his chest, and he hugged me tight. I felt Patton’s arms wrap around me from behind, and soon I found myself caught in the middle of a cuddle pile that I didn’t think I could escape if I tried. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay there forever, caught between the two people whose love and approval I had always seeked, and now I had it. It was all so surreal that a part of me still believed that it must be a dream. After all, why would either of these amazing people ever give a shit about me. But the more I thought about it, and the longer I waited for myself to wake up, the more I began to realize that not only was this not a dream, but it was real, and they both meant every word. Smiling to myself as tears streamed down my face, I closed my eyes and let myself be enveloped by the love surrounding me. _I think Père was right,_ I thought happily. _Perhaps there really is room for me in this famILY after all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! I am so sorry that it's been so long since I've posted on here. I know that I still have a couple of requests to fulfill, and believe me when I say I've started most of them and I am planning on finishing them ASAP. I'm just super overwhelmed with school work right now and I really don't have time for writing much anymore. Once I can get a handle on my classes, I promise that I'll be able to write more and put out a bunch of new chapters for you all to read. Until then, I hope you have an amazing fall and I'll talk to you all soon. Thank you so much for reading and for being so understanding. I wish you all the best.
> 
> ~Prison


	11. Making it Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Familial Janus X Remus X Virgil. Familial Patton X Roman X Logan. 
> 
> Summary: Patton wakes up to find that Roman, Remus, Logan, and Virgil have all been turned into kids. Now it's up to him and Janus to take care of them and figure out what the heck is going on without ripping each others' heads off or losing a kiddo in the process. Inspired by the song "Birds" by Imagine Dragons (listen to it while reading if you'd like). Mostly fluff.
> 
>  **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
>  None. Wow, really? None? That's a first. Welp, enjoy it while it lasts. XD

_Knock, knock, knock._

My eyes fluttered open and I peered blearily up at my alarm clock, unable to make out the numbers even with my strategy of squinting intensely and blinking rapidly. Either way, it was far too early for me to be up. I could tell by the way my whole body screamed at me to ignore the strange noise and get a couple more hours of sleep in before I had to get up. Sinking back into my pillow, I closed my eyes and attempted to let the Sandman steal me away to a world of endless possibilities, when…

_Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock._

I groaned into my pillow before reaching over blindly for my glasses. Setting them down in my lap, I sat up, stretching with a yawn. Rubbing my eyes roughly before perching the glasses on the bridge of my nose, I attempted to smooth down my hair in some semblance of order before getting to my feet and stumbling towards the door. _Who on Earth would be knocking at my door at 6:00 in the morning?_ I wondered absently. 

_Logan?_ Logan would be up, that was for sure. He was always one for schedules and stuff like that. But why would he be knocking at my door? He knew I didn’t get up until 8:00, and he wasn’t the type to interrupt a guy’s sleep schedule, no matter how disappointed he might be with it. _No, it’s not Logan. Then maybe… Virgil?_ Virgil _did_ tend to get up early, usually on nights when he couldn’t get any sleep. I had woken up once or twice before with Virgil curled up by my side, fast asleep. But Virgil wasn’t one to knock. He knew that I was fine with people walking in and out of my room as they pleased. _So… Roman?_ That didn’t make much sense to me. Roman usually slept in later than I did. But it was the only option that made sense, unless… _no. No, that wouldn’t make any sense._ I shook my head, chalking up that idea to my sleep-deprived brain. _I really should stop going to bed at midnight._

Reaching my door, I held back a yawn before reaching for the knob, grasping the cool metal with pale fingers. Without a second though, I opened the door to reveal the last side I ever would have expected. 

Deceit was standing there, although he was far from his usual state. Instead of his normal outfit, the dark grey old-fashioned looking shirt with yellow edges, black capelet, dark pants, hat and gloves, he wore a yellow button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to about his elbows and black dress pants, his hair slightly disarray and his eyes lined by dark circles. On his arm hung a small child of about six or so, giggling mischievously and swinging back and forth slightly. The boy looked like the rest of us, the same hair and face, but he wore a black and green outfit that was rather reminiscent of Remus’s, and there was a band aid on his chin. I blinked at him, barely awake, as my mind struggled to play catch up with everything going on. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, leaving me gaping at them, my eyes traveling from the boy to Deceit and then back again. _Remus?!_

“D-Deceit? W-what’s going on?” I asked, still staring at the boy with wide eyes.

He sighed. “I don’t know. I woke up this morning to find Remus had turned into a kid. He was running around the kitchen naked when I found him.” Deceit grimaced. “I was curious if the others had suffered the same fate.”

My heart skipped a beat at the thought as I stood up straight, my exhaustion completely forgotten. “I don’t know.”

“Then I suggest we go and find out before any of those idiots manages to find a way to get themselves killed,” he suggested, his voice honey sweet with just a hint of an edge to it that left no room for debate, although I had no reason to argue.

I nodded before rushing out the door and down the stairs, nearly forgetting to close my door behind me in my haste. Deceit knelt down so that Remus could climb on his shoulders for a piggyback before following me, seemingly unbothered by the weight. My first instinct was to check the living room and kitchen, as those were the spots where we usually gathered for breakfast. I had no doubt that Logan would be there. He was always an early riser, even when he was a kid. The only question was what state he would be in when I arrived. 

I tripped and nearly fell down the last few stairs before catching myself on the railing, and I heard Deceit let out a breath, muttering something to himself as he followed me. I didn’t pay him much mind, too consumed by the thought of a little Logan all alone with no adult supervision. Truthfully, that was less worrisome than Roman, who I didn’t even want to think about at the moment, but it was still concerning. Who knew what he would get into? He was far too smart for his own good, and he had no sense of right from wrong, which means almost anything could happen. 

Bursting into the kitchen with Deceit on my heels, I found a rather tiny Logan standing on a stool at the kitchen island, the kitchen lights shining on his glasses, which were a few sizes too big for his face. He was standing over a cup of water with what looked like a coffee filter in his hand, the filter colored with stripes of marker across it. I felt Deceit come to a halt beside me, Remus offering soft chatter in the background that didn’t even register in my mind. I blinked at Logan in surprise, mouth agape, but he simply nodded at me before dipping the tip of the coffee filter in the water. I watched as the water traveled up the filter, creating an almost tie dye affect. _Interesting, but..._

“What… are you doing?” Deceit asked from behind me, one eyebrow raised in curiosity.

“Exploring chromatography,” Logan answered simply, blinking at us owlishly through his glasses as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. His glasses began to slip off his nose, and he quickly repositioned them before turning back to his experiment.

“I… see.” I said slowly. “And… what does that mean?”

“It’s the process of separating a solution into different parts,” he replied without looking up, grabbing another coffee filter and reaching for his markers.

“Oh! I understand. You’re separating the pigments used in the ink from the markers. That’s quite clever, although I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, seeing as I’m talking to Logic itself,” Deceit remarked, amusement coloring his tone. Remus made a noise of curiosity as he eyed up the intelligent side before slipping down Deceit’s back and falling to the floor with a giddy giggle. Deceit glanced down at the side with a look of warning.

“No, you’re not,” Logan said.

“What?” Deceit asked, his gaze shooting up to the bespectacled side. His nose crinkled in confusion as he was met by Logan’s blank stare.. _That’s cute. Wait-_

“You’re not talking to Logic.”

“Then who _am_ I talking to?”

My eyes widened in realization. “Curiosity! You’re Curiosity!”

“Correct.”

Deceit frowned, confused. “Curiosity? What…?”

“Logan used to be known as Curiosity back when Thomas was a kid. He represented Thomas’s love of learning and exploring new things. It makes sense if you think about it. Thomas wasn’t exactly the most logical kid. But overtime, Curiosity developed into Logic. I think it was probably about… third grade? Give or take a few years?”

“...Interesting.”

“If you’re looking for the other two, Anxiety is hiding on top of the bookshelf, and Creativity should still be in his room,” Logan supplied.

Deceit and I both exchanged a surprised glance. 

“Uh, thanks, kiddo,” I offered.

He shrugged. “I assumed that was why you rushed into the kitchen in distress and disarray.”

“You’re not wrong,” Deceit smirked. “Do you mind if I leave _this_ one with you? He’d probably be able to help you with your chromatography experiment. He’s rather _creative,_ if you know what I mean.”

Logan stared down at Remus for a moment, who froze in place from where he was climbing on the counter top and fidgeted under his intense gaze. After a moment, Logan reached up to readjust his glasses before holding out his hand. “Logan, also known as Curiosity.”

Remus blinked up at him, eyes wide, before an enormous smile broke out on his face. He reached out to take Logan’s hand and shake it. “Remus, Dark Creativity, at your service!”

“Can you color a variety of random patterns on coffee filters with markers?”

“Well, duh! I was literally made to be creative, dummy.”

Logan stared at him for a moment longer before offering a marker and a half a grin. “Good.”

The two bent their heads over the counter, one with a handful of markers in his mouth, scribbling all over the coffee filters and coloring a fair bit of his skin in the process, and the other with a colored coffee filter in each hand, dipping them in water and watching the tie-dye affect take hold. I gazed at them for a moment, a bit shocked at how well the two of them were getting along, when I felt hands shoving me towards the door. Glancing at Deceit, I frowned, opening my mouth to question what on Earth he was doing, but he shook his head and motioned for me to hurry up. Deciding to follow the snake-like side’s advice, I quietly exited the kitchen, Deceit right behind me.

Once we reached the living room, I whirled around to face him, my hands on my hips. “What was that about?” I asked, feeling so confused. “They were getting along so well, why would you-”

“ _Yes_ , they were getting along. That was the _point_. They got along _so_ _well_ they forgot we were even _there_ , which meant it was time to _get out of there_. In case you’ve forgotten, we still have two more sides to check on, and I don’t know about you, but I’d rather find them in one piece than not.”

I blinked at him. “Point made. But… are you sure it’s okay to leave the two of them alone? While Logan might be able to temper Remus’s more reckless impulses, I feel like the two of them might egg each other on under the right conditions.”

“I am aware of the risks, which is _why_ we need to make this quick. However, the last thing we need to do is drag Remus around everywhere we go. He’s been relatively well-behaved as of late, and I’d rather not test my luck. We just need to find the others and gather them all together in one place as quickly as possible so that there is a limited amount of blood and gore.”

My eyes widened. “B-blood and gore?!”

He rolled his eyes. “If Remus isn’t getting in trouble, what do you think Roman is doing?”

I bit my lip. “Shit.”

He blinked at me, surprise evident on his face, before the mask of impassive control fell back in place. “Indeed.”

I hurried to the stairs, careful not to trip over the lump in the carpet this time, but froze in my tracks when I didn’t hear Deceit’s footsteps after me. Glancing back over my shoulder, I saw him staring up at the bookshelf, or more accurately, at the small huddled form of Virgil hiding on top of the bookshelf. He looked so small and scared, it nearly broke my heart. I paused, about to turn around and go to my dark strange son, but felt Deceit’s hand on my shoulder, guiding me back towards the stairs.

“Shouldn’t we take care of Virgil first?” I asked worriedly.

Deceit tore his eyes away from the boy in question, his expression conflicted but his voice certain as we both began scaling the stairs. “No. He’ll be fine until we get back. Roman is in more imminent danger out of the two of them. Besides, he likes it up there. He’d be more upset if we forced him out than us leaving him there.”

“O-okay. I… I trust you.”

He seemed taken aback, his steps faltering slightly as he steadied himself on the railing. “I… good. Good.”

We made our way up the stairs before hurrying down the hallway and towards the brightly decorated door of our own Disney prince. The red-painted wood and gold filigree decorating every nook and cranny made Roman’s door the busiest and most lively of the mindscape. It was too vibrantly flamboyant to be considered elegant, unlike Deceit’s door, which was the definition of elegance, but it definitely had a royal touch to it that made it so… Roman. I fingered the gold lacing reverently before reaching for the doorknob, glancing at Deceit as I did so.

“You ready?” I asked.

He blinked at me before his expression became one of quiet, firm determination. “Open the door.”

Nodding, I did as I was told.

The second we poked our heads inside, we were immediately met with the clash of metal and the sound of yelling and growling. I froze, staring at Roman’s small, childish form darting around a beast far too big for him and stabbing at it with his sword. The beast was like something out of a fairy tale, or perhaps Greek mythology. It had multiple heads, each decked out with numerous spines protruding from its neck, and hundreds of needle-like teeth crowded together inside their snapping jaws. It had a large, bulbous body from which numerous spider-like legs hung limply while it flew around the room with its enormous, devilish wings. It was truly something out of a nightmare, and in my dazed shock, I wondered how on Earth someone as sweet and innocent as Roman had created a beast like _this._

I was quickly distracted from my thoughts as the beast swung out its tail and knocked Roman off his feet. 

“Roman!” I cried out in horror. 

The boy went crashing to the ground, his sword and shield knocked from his hands, and I couldn’t even move an inch as the beast’s claws came down towards the pale, delicate flesh of a boy in his youth. I screamed in horror and looked away, the thought of watching Roman being torn to pieces before my eyes unbearable, but my eyes shot open when I heard the cry of someone who was most certainly not a child. My gaze darted over to the beast and Roman, only to find Deceit standing in between the two, serving as a human shield to protect Roman from the beast’s deadly claws.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like this story? Are you concerned about the well-being of everyone's favorite snek boi? Do you want to know what wacky shenanigans Patton and Janus get up to next? Check out the next chapter in _Making it Right_ , the novella posted in my works!


	12. Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vent fic

Numb. I felt... numb. It wasn't a lack of emotions so much as a lack of ability to reach said emotions. I could feel them buzzing under my skin, feel them pounding in my heart, feel them tumbling around in my mind, but I was unable to access them. It was as if there was a glass wall separating the things I could feel and the things I couldn't, and as of late, there was a severe shortage of things I could feel anymore.

Cold. I felt... cold. The kind of cold that seeps so much deeper than the skin. It was the kind of cold that pierced straight through your soul and shattered it into millions of little pieces and shards that could never be put back together again, no matter how hard you tried to fix it. It was the kind of cold that made you distant to anyone and everyone, even the people you were closest with. It was the inability to communicate how you feel, the inability to reach out, to ask for help, and it left you feeling even more numb than before, because if you can't get help, and you can't help yourself, what is there left to do?

Empty. I felt... empty. Like a gaping hole had been ripped out of my chest, taking my heart, my soul, and my will to live and leaving me with nothing left. It was the kind of empty that haunted you, because you know that at one point in time, you felt whole, and you will never feel that way again. There is nothing you can do to fill that ache, to fill the deep hole that was left behind. Nothing you could do to fix the damage that had already been wrought on your feeble body, soul, and mind.

Hopeless. I felt... hopeless. There was nothing left for me here. I knew that. No one wanted me here. No one needed me. I was useless, pointless, worthless. What was I doing here anyway? Prolonging the inevitable? Why bother trying to live when death seems so appealing? Why continue to go through the motions when the end was in sight? But I couldn't do it. No matter how badly I wanted to, I couldn't because I was...

Weak. I felt... weak. Powerless. There was nothing I could do. I didn't want to live anymore. There was no point. It was so hard to get out of bed in the morning, so hard to put on the mask and play the part everyone expected me to. Why bother? It would be so easy to end it all. A bottle of pills would do. A noose. A knife. Heck, even a bowl of soup could do in a pinch. But I couldn't do it. I was too scared to live, but I was too scared to die. Caught in a permanent state of limbo, trapped in an inescapable void of madness and torture that I would never escape.

That was just how it was. That was how I lived my life. Every. Damn. Day. Well, I was tired of it. If I couldn't kill myself the good old fashioned way, then so be it. I'd find another way. An easier way. I wouldn't have to do anything at all. I wouldn't even have to move. I would do myself a favor and do nothing at all. After all, I didn't really need to take care of myself anymore. I wasn't needed. No one would complain if I just wasted away. And if they found me years later, nothing but a brittle skeleton sprawled across the floor, dressed in a loosely fitted suit and cape, hopefully they'd understand. Hopefully they'd have the decency to respect my wishes and leave me be. Hopefully they wouldn't blame themselves for this. It was never their faults. They didn't do anything wrong. This was all me, all my fault. It wasn't their fault I was broken. They hadn't broken me, at least, not on purpose. I didn't blame anyone but myself for what was yet to come. Sometimes there's only one way out, and even if it was cowardly, it was the only option I had left. I just hoped that they didn't hate me for doing what had to be done.

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Janus?" a voice called through the door.

I didn't even bother lifting my head up from the floor, instead choosing to close my eyes and ignore it. _Too much energy._

"Janus, kiddo? You there?"

I felt a hint of guilt at the concern in Patton's voice, but said nothing.

A sigh. "I'm worried about you, Jan. It's been a while since I've seen you. At least a couple weeks, I'd wager. You haven't left your room in ages. Is everything alright?"

Silence.

"Well, I'll leave you be, kiddo. Just know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm right here."

Footsteps, followed by silence.

My eyes flickered open. I managed a glance around the room, although my vision was so blurry it was hard to say what I was looking at or why. My eyelids felt so heavy. _Tired. I'm so... so... tiredddd........._ In spite myself, I felt my eyes drift shut, felt my body giving into the craving for sleep that I had been fighting off for so long. I didn't care if I ruined all the progress I had made. I didn't care if I never woke up again. I just wanted to sleep, and so I did. I gave into the overwhelming darkness that lurked behind my eyes and knew no more.

"Janus? Are you in the vicinity?"

I frowned, recognizing the voice as none other that Logan Sanders, Thomas's logical side. _What is he doing here?_ I wondered wearily.

"I have been sent here because the others have been experiencing a fair bit of concern for you as of late, and if I am being perfectly honest, I have been as well. We have not seen nor heard from you in almost a month. We were hoping that you might at least let us know that you are okay."

I rolled over on my stomach and buried my face in one of the numerous pillows that had been strewn across the room. My room had been oddly complacent recently, giving me anything and everything I needed or wanted without even having to use any energy. It was almost as if it were trying to keep me as comfortable as possible while it waited for me to part. I had to admit, it was nice to be waited on by someone, even if it was just my room. At least I wasn't in any real pain.

"Either you are refusing to answer, or you are not capable of answering me. I will return later to monitor your condition. Please, try to answer when I return. We are incredibly concerned about you Janus. We simply wish to ensure that you are quite alright."

Biting my lip, I felt a tear escape from the corner of my eye and wet the pillow. _Liar. You don't care. Not really. You're just doing this to pacify the others._ I heard footsteps backing away and choked back a quiet sob. _It's a nice thought, though._

_Bang, bang, bang._

My eyes shot open as I was awoken by someone knocking on my door rather aggressively. I struggled for a moment before managing to roll onto my back, gasping for air as the room spun violently for a few seconds. It seemed even a small amount of effort was too much for me. _It's working. Good._

"Come out immediately, scaly fiend!" a voice cried dramatically.

I didn't even have the energy for an eye roll. _Really? They sent_ him _here? Why? To make me feel even worse?_

A quiet pause. A raggedy breath. A softer knock followed.

"D-Deceit? I mean- Janus? I... I know I'm probably one of the last people you wanna see right now. I know I've treated you and the other darksides really badly in the past. I know I fucked up real bad, especially with how I treated you. And I'm sorry. I know it was wrong. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but please. I'm worried about you. We all are. It's been a month and a half now. We haven't seen a single one of your schemes, haven't heard a single whisper from the other darksides, heck, Thomas hasn't lied in ages, and I'm starting to understand how that can be a bad thing. We really need you. Please, let us in. Let us help you with whatever is going on. We're here to help. Please, let us help you."

It felt like a punch to the gut. _Could he be ~~telling the truth?~~ No. It's another one of their lies. They're just trying to hit you while you're down. Do nothing. Besides, I'm too weak to do anything anyway, even if I wanted to._

Roman stood by the door for a while. I heard him pacing back and forth out there, muttering something to himself that I couldn't make out no matter how hard I strained my ears. Finally, he gave up and returned to the lightside. I breathed a sigh of relief. My eyes slipped shut. _Finally, some peace and quiet._

" **DECEIT!** "

A fist hammering at the door woke me. I blinked blearily around, so out of it that I didn't even flinch as the banging continued. Then, something sharp and metal pierced through the door, and I heard a sound I hadn't heard in so long.

" _Dee~_ " came a singsong voice, accompanying the booming echo of the other.

 _Fuck,_ I thought, but there was no real fear behind it. Remus must have finally caught wind of what was going on. Virgil must have gotten frustrated with the others and their incompetence. Either way, it didn't matter. It had been nearly two months since I had locked myself in my room. I could barely keep my eyes open. I could barely breathe without wheezing. I could barely move without my body aching. It wouldn't be long now until I was gone for good. I didn't think all the sides combined could save me now. _It'll all be over soon._

Another swing, another thump of metal hitting wood, another spray of wood chips. The hole was getting bigger. I had no idea if Remus was intending on simply making a hole to reach for the door knob and unlock the door, or if he truly intended on making a big enough hole for them to get through, but either way, it seemed like it would take him a while to break through. My eyelids felt so heavy, my body so weak. I struggled to stay awake, knowing this might be the last time I ever see them again. Out of any of the sides, these were the two I wanted to say goodbye to the most. They were the only ones I would truly miss, and the only ones who even had a chance of missing me.

" **REMUS, HURRY UP! COULD YOU BE ANY GODDAMN SLOWER?** "

" _I don't see you doing anything, so I suggest you shut the fuck up,_ " he spat as the hatchet buried itself in the door again, taking out another small chunk of wood.

" **FOR FUCK'S SAKE.** "

Suddenly, there was a huge bang as the door was bashed inwards, the hinges bending awkwardly and wood splintering into twisting shards all over the floor. I managed to force my eyes open enough to see Virgil rush in, Remus sauntering in after him. The two froze in place when they saw me there, sprawled out on the ground, pale and thin as bone, a shell of my former self.

"Oh god," Virgil breathed.

"Fuck," Remus murmured in agreement.

I managed a small smile, feeling the last of my strength fading. I didn't have long now, a couple seconds more, maybe a minute if I was lucky. Summoning all the energy I had left, I forced the words from through my dry, rusty vocal cords, knowing I'd never get to say them again. _"_ Good _... bye."_

Their faces became alight with understanding and I saw the fear and panic in their eyes. Reaching out, I offered them one last smile before I let my eyes slip shut one final time, giving in to the darkness and letting go of the light. There was nothing left for me here. Nothing left but a broken body and a broken mind. As I felt the last of my life fading away, I finally felt at peace, finally felt free for the first time in my life. I had finally let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kiddos. Just a friendly reminder to take care of yourselves and ask for help, especially during these trying times. I know that it can be tempting to just stop trying, but it really does get better, and taking better care of yourself physically will help you mentally too, I promise. Take care, and know that there are so many people who really care about you. Love you all!
> 
> ~Prison


End file.
